There is no i in team ......... unless im spelling it

2012-02-08T02:53:00.001-08:00

bloke come in and grumpily exclaims, "these glasses don’t fit me." "what glasses?" "hang on a min" "he rummages around in his bad and pockets and eventually finds his glasses. he puts them on. and when i say puts them on its in the loosest sence. is seen baby with no motor skills put on glasses better. The front of the glasses at almost a 45 degree angle. The right side id a fill 2 inches above his ear and the other side is down the bed that goes over his ear is touching his ear lobe. I try not to smile because for some reason he is clearly angry. He hands me the glasses. I look at them the are perfectly square. So I put them on him properly. Perfect fit. “better?” “well yes, but you didn’t do anything” “you just didn’t put them on right” “what?” “the glasses are fine. You just didn’t put them on right, thank you bye bye”

2012-01-30T06:36:00.001-08:00

There’s a list of people you shouldn’t piss off when they are doing their jobs, as it goes bad for you. Normally most people say number one on that list is people that are preparing you food. I may argue with you and say the man with the rubber gloves at customs. But anyway high up on that list should be hairdresser whilst they are cutting your hair. Guess what I inadvertaly did that. Now im not too bad at understanding ascents. This guy was from some ware like turkey possibly but he started chatting to me and had the clippers going proper loud in my ear and he spoke quite softly. So I couldn’t understand a word he said. So I politely smiled and chuckled hopeing it was the correct response. A girl pointed something out to him in the paper and then walked off. This is want I thought I herd “mumble mumble amir khan mumble mumble girlfriend, mumble mumble really beautiful?” so I though he’d been showed a picture in the paper of amir karns mrs in the paper and was commenting on looks. “ I cherped up with “ohh I dunno” “and he looked at me a bit shocked and slightly put back. Then looked at the woman and looked back at me a bit cross and said “my girlfriends beautiful” all I could do was thinly smile and think I really wonder what the Amir khan bit was and I hope he doesn’t fuck up my hair on purpose for insulting his mrs, as he stony faced put down the clippers and pulled out a cut throat razor and begin to hack away at my hair.

2011-12-19T07:36:00.001-08:00

“can I have an eye test” “I can book you in but we are full for the rest of the year next date available is 5^th Jan” “not today” “no sorry” “please?” “the optometrist is not here today” “can you do it” “afraid not” “why?” “because im not an optometrist”. “how long does it take?” “the test takes around half an hour” “so we can do that now?” “no as I explained there is no optometrist here today” “its only the HGV test” “well that doesn’t change anything” “I only need the HGV part” “well the HGV normaly ask for a full test and sometimes extra tests depending on the job” “how much?” “a test is £24 pounds” “so if I come back in a bit we do it” “look there isn’t an optometrist in today” “I only need the HGV bit” “do you have the form?” “no” “well all I can do is book you in in the new year” “can I go in and look at the wall?” “no” “please?” “NO” “do specsavers have any tests?” “how should I know?” “coz you work in an opticians” “yeah I do … THIS opticians not specasvers” “so you wont book me with them?” “er????? Wha? No…” so I cant just go in the room over there and have a test” “sorry no bye bye” I usher him out the door

2011-12-19T01:37:00.001-08:00

Its on street all day parking in aldershit and the ticket machines are on the pavement backs to the wall faceing the road. So to buy one you have to stand in the middle of the pavement. But the pavement it easily big enough for 3 abreast walking. I get to the machine a few seconds before a middle to old age woman. And because im parking all day its £3.60 and the wife has filled my wallet with 20p’s so I deside to off load them. This woman is standing next to me impatiently. As I get to around the £2 mark she lets out an large sigh, followed by a "tut" and then adjust her posture in an impatient way. Im trying not to pay any attention. My ticket seems to take ages to print and then takes me a few seconds to pick it out of the workings of the machine. And the woman makes an audible “at last” kind of pantomime sigh. I shoot her a thin “good morning you old bat” smile. And go to ticket in my car. I look at the woman to see how longs she takes to use the machine so when I get close I can say something like “printing slow this morning” but no she’s not even used the machine she just carried on walking up the road. Now I know im quite a bit fatter than I was 10 yeas ago. But there was still plenty of room to walk round me!

2011-11-25T04:02:00.001-08:00

Im here to collect my wife’s glasses. I spend a few mins trying to find her record. Nothing in glasses collection. (getting slightly embarrassed its taking so long to find. I check the computer no glasses on order. I look in the contact lens system she has some contact lenses on order. “umm…. I don’t have any glasses on order with us, she does however have some contact lenses that are here ready” “yes she told me that her glasses where contact lenses” “pardon?” “yeah im here to get her glasses that are contact lenses” “her contact lenses?” “yes her glasses that are contact lenses” “here you go then” “does she need her glasses fitted?” “errr? These are her regular shipment of contact lenses” “yeah her glasses that are contact lenses” “she doesn’t need these fitted no its her regular supply” “so her glasses don’t need fitting?” “I don’t know about her glasses she hasn’t ever ordered any from us” “yes she has these glasses that are contact lenses” “well best you just giver her the contact lenses and she can call me if she needs anything” “ok thanks”

2011-10-31T08:09:00.001-07:00

A very little man came is with the biggest turban I have ever seen, he looked exactly like the sultan in Disney Aladdin. “Hello young boy” “hi” “ im a fortune teller, I can tell you everything about yourself” (clearly got my age wrong from his opening statement) “well im working at the moment so im not allowed to do stuff like that on work time” “you have the eye of the tiger and the eye of love” “ right like I said sorry im busy “ “I shall come back later its very important, you a very lucky. I do forehead line reading and palms.”

I wonder witch eye is witch? And would he have a field day with Gordon Ramsey.

2011-10-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

What’s with people standing in Victoria road at 2am and screaming they what a fight. Screaming for about and hour and not acutely having the fight that they very loudly insist they crave.

The first as an Asian man, im saying Asia and west Asia. Well that’s where his family was from but im guessing he’s never been anyware other than the grotty London tower block he lives in and coming to Farnborough was a treat for him. So London chav accent mixed with someing west of India. That is my best guess.

He was standing at the very start of the bus stop. Witch is pretty much below my bedroom window. He was basically shouting racial abuse at the black bouncer about 75 yards away on the door of witherspoons. When asked what he was doing and why wouldn’t her go over and say the stuff he was saying to the bouncer. He replied he was waiting for a bus. Even though the bus stop is actually about 12 feet from the door of spoons and much much closer to the bouncer. Who was unable to leave his door duties. Also I would argue more importantly what bus was he expecting to get after 2 am on a Sunday morning.

He kept calling the bouncer the “N” word. Then clamed it was ok for him to do so as he was black too. Also he said “you can only call someone a bitch if you have been to London” this exchange went on for longer than I care to remember , but I knew the bouncer would be finishing in a bit. As soon as the moment came the bouncer started to walk towards him and he scurried off like a little bitch (ive been to London so I can say it) and he was out of my field of view. The funniest part was as the bouncer came onto view properly he was about 5 foot and must have weighed 8 stone. Not to judge the bouncers physical abilities but the mouthy twat was much much bigger than him. There’s nothing funnier than a bigger bloke running away from a little bloke. Next thing 3 police cars roll up. Im assuming they put the twat in the car as someone was kicking the doors form the inside. And the police then spent 40 mins interviewing the door staff and some bloke who came from noware in a vis vest and kept me awake dubble the time.

After that anti climax of a fight it only got louder and worse. 2am Monday morning. Car horn and shouting wakes me up. Theres a car full of people honking and shouting at the top of there lungs at some bloke in the middle of the street. And when the bloke got close to the car they would still with there doors open shouting drive round the block. They where screaming something about “crack head” “that they had “assessed” that he could take is coat off” and a strange chant “southwood, southwood show us your trick” he defiantly said trick.i know this because he repeated it about 50 times. This went of for ages. When one of my nabours shouted at them he was met with abuse.

Ive still not actually seen one punch being thrown. Ive seen one bloke being held back by his mates …. And he wasn’t even trying to hard to get to the person he wanted to fight. If your gonna have a fight have a fight stop shouting nonsense and waking everyone up.

2011-09-29T01:26:00.000-07:00

list of all the wierdos i met when i was in the usa

Strange lady at sea world that was shouting at me ”look look the are feeding the eels” whilst we where standing at the well signed stingray tank.

The crazy man that threw his bad so hard at the closed bus door that it broke the wheels off his bad then started screaming and trying to punch the middle aged female bus driver.

An odd couple that kept saying the where from “san Francisco” like it was code for something and stroking carlys hand like they wanted to do some wife swap. Then the woman said to me my sister is “at” Bristol. So I said university and she looked at me odd and said “err no she works at orange.”

And odd eastern European couple that kept cornering me in the airport and talking to me in language that I could not even identify let alone understand and not letting me walk by. They did this a number of times.

The strange lady that ranted for 15 mins at us saying that she hated obama for sending all the tax money to us so we didn’t have to live on mud huts. It was all obamas and Europe fault.

The gay couple that kept saying racest comments and misquoted Monty python sketches at me in what they clamed was a perfect English accents.

Everyone that said “we love Australia” “I love you ozzys” and“ you’re from new south Wales right”

The half Hawaiian and half Asian bloke who’s surname was “Wan” who thought he was English. Evan thos no one in his family or him have ever been to or come from England. And he said “coz wan is an English name”

2011-09-05T02:56:00.000-07:00

Phone rings. Please could you tell me when I’m due for an eye test. I start looking up their record. Cant find it. check computer, then paper, then address, then spelling, the maiden name, date of birth search. “do you know who you saw last time you where here?” “ohh ive never been to you, I normally do to XXXXX opticians in fleet” “well you called me in Aldershot” “I know I couldn’t get threw to them on the phone so I decided to ask you”

2011-09-01T04:27:00.000-07:00

More adventures with sports centre machines. As you previously may remember I was a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin. And my body fat was “good” at just over 20%. That was around April. Possibly march

So now it’s September so 5 or 6 months

Ive lost a staggering 4 lbs…. Please please stop I can hear your gasps of amazement.

Bu then I notice something else. My B.M.I was 28 now its 27.3 so that’s better even tho bmi is a massive pile of bollox on toast

Then I read down. MY COCKING BODY FAT ID NOW 24.4% is was just over 20%

So let me get this. Im 4 lbs lighter…. But about 4 % more fat. MORE FAT!!!!

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I LOST!!!!!!! A foot?

And by my most likely wrong calculations that like putting on 2 kg of fat

2011-08-03T07:15:00.001-07:00

A quest for stamps….

Walk in a queue up at the till in the co-op. takes ages. Many Old women are buying 60 john player specials, and you know they will be in there tomorrow doing the same. I get to the front and ask for 2 book of 12 first class stamps and 4 books of second. The girl looks at me like im talking another language. Then it starts to dawn on her what I have asked for. Then her face contorts and looks like I have asked her a riddle. “you do have stamps right?” “yeah” she pulls out some tatty tea stained bit card that could well have been a bit of cereal packet. And start to punch in some codes to the till. It rings up the correct price. (im slightly shocked) I hand over £40 and she automatically puts it into a note deposit box. (not sure what they are called but the are under the till and the put the notes in then press a “clacky” button and then light fingered staff can pilfer the monies.) she then opens a box and looks slightly shocked. “there’s no stamps” I do my best to only look slightly annoyed and my best raising 1 eyebrow like Rodger Moore (witch I cant do). She calls over someone and they take 5 mins and open another box and there’s no stamps. Then they call someone from “out back” (and the might as well been in the sodding outback for the time it took them to arrive) then they said the would get someone to look in the safe and see if there was stamps. Whilst this was going on I asked if I could have my change. As the woman serving me was extremely likely to forget. As I suspected she had, and had to serve someone else in order to get the till open. The person came from the safe in the outback and reported there was no stamps. “ohh well have to do a refund” and bless her she picked up and under stood why I was giving her the stink eye when she picked up a gift card in order to process my “refund”. “ill get the supervisor as I cant get your money its in the box” that’s 25 mins of my life I wont get back. It all could have been prevented by something simpler than a noel Edmonds game show. LOOKING IN A BOX

2011-07-29T06:34:00.001-07:00

Idiot raciest came in...........

“you see those two?” he points at two Nepalese old men and my heart sinks because I know what’s to come. “yes” “do you know why they have those stupid hats?” “nope” “ coz they are the kings body guards. Whet the hell are they doing over her...e when the should be guarding their king” looking at them id be surprised if their combined age is below 160. “I think they are probably retired” hes not listening. “well I think they should go home and do there job” “yeah coz there like mr miyagi” (I say quietly as he turns and leaves)

2011-07-20T06:23:00.001-07:00

2 idiots in quick succession.

How is it possible that a woman stinking of piss standing in the rain holding twigs she’s picked from a rounderabout clam to be selling “luck” if she had any and I mean any at all she wouldn’t be in Aldershot.

Some girl/woman walks in “you got any jobs going” “well if you pop in a CV ill pass it on to the owner” “Er?” “a CV” “what?” “a curriculum vitae” “what?” “a résumé” “Er?” “No we don’t have any jobs sorry”

2011-07-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Some bloke comes in with a European accent, witch I am unable to place. And wants to see “the lightest possible glasses I have” so I show the rimless, pure titanium’s and flexons. He spends about 10 mins trying things on and wanting to weigh them. He starts going into the finer points of what a flexon frame is made of, and how much less weight a rimless is compared to a rimmed simmaler frame. So much so hes talking about weight added by spring hinges. Then out of noware he starts talking about “8 new pieces of technology to protect you from screens” but cant telly me what they are…. Or what a screen is going to do to you for that matter. I explain coatings to him but he boasts that this technology isn’t in this country yet and snorts at my lack of knowledge of it. I then say “well weight can be saved also by high index lenses and different lens designs depending on his prescription”. “ohh good no I don’t want plastic plastic is crap” “right I say a little puzzled do you have any idea of your prescription?” “+0.50 I want glass, glass is pure, its in my camera, 1.6 index glass” “you do know that that is likely to be mixed with lead to make it 1.6 and it will be more than double in weight ” he camply gasped and looked shocked. For those of you not quite understanding this is the closest analogy I can think of. Hes buying a Ferrari when all he needs is a pair of shoes and with that Ferrari he has bought a hippo and put it in the boot

2011-07-13T02:18:00.001-07:00

3 people just came in together. “we want glasses” “right do you need eye tests or have you had them recently?” “we are on pension credit so its free” “not really what I asked. have you got prescriptions?” “we’re on pension credit so glasses are free” “umm … no they are not” “where are the free ones?” “I don’t give glasses away free” “why not?” “coz id go bankrupt” the conversation then repeats its self with him saying where on benefits so we you have to give us glasses free a lot. Then he starts to try to haggle with me. But its not really haggling he sort of trying to get me to give him a £100 frame for free. “well im gonna go to my doctor then and he’ll wright a letter saying you have to give me glasses for free” “please don’t waste the GP’s time … and im defiantly not giving you anything for free”

2011-06-29T04:09:00.000-07:00

two nutters so far today

Had an odd phone conversation. I was trying to order the special rubbish sacks you have to use here. “afternoon” “wishing you day away(I was trying to be light-hearted as it was only 9:15)” “what?” “is that sita?” “yeah” “hi id like to order some of the refuse sacks please” “how many rolls you want?” “how meny is on a roll?” depends on what size roll we give you” “ok can you tell me the sizes of the rolls then?” “some are 25 per roll and some are 50 a roll” “ok well if you are going to give me rolls of 25 then ill take 4 rolls and if you are going to give me rolls of 50 then I will have 2 rolls” “w...hat?…..so you saying you want 100 sacks?” “yes please” “ok” and she hung up. She has no cocking idea how or where I am so how s she going to send them to me. I immediately tried to call back and there is now no answer

Very odd-looking woman just came in. she must have been late 20’s but had a dress on that looked like it belonged to someone in their 80’s, a hair cut that it looks like he did herself, and woolly socks and sandals. She wanted to buy a glasses case. I found 2 that would fit her glasses. And it took her a full 10 mins to pick between them. Then out of the blue she said this. “its terrible isn’t it?” “what is?” “the shops closing?” I sort of glanced out the window thing I had missed something from a shop across the street. “which shop?” “all the shops closing Thornton’s, carpet right and tj Hughes” “oh right well its how things are going at the moment”(I say trying to politely end the conversation) “do you know why I think it is?” “ the state of the economy?” “ no I think its coz bills keep going up, the electricity people put the bill up, the water people put the bill up, bbc put up tv licence, road tax goes up, car insurance goes up.” She looks at me like she discovered the meaning of life. “I think you have hit the nail on the head there”(I say only very slightly sarcastically) “well its terrible those shops closing” “umm… we don’t have any of them in Aldershot anyway” “the licence fee if more than car tax” “well that all depends on your car” “it’s a Cleo… the tv licence is terrible” “im sure its fixed at the moment for a few years” “no its not …. I like watchdog” (that’s a cocking bbc program I scream in my head) “right well I have got to get on…” “you have no customers” “well there’s lots of paperwork”(and I have to stick this soul destroying conversation on facebook) she then goes on to poorly and inaccurately describe inflation to me in the most basic of terms but thinks she s discovered it like it’s a big mystery or secret. “are you trying to describe inflation?” “What?” “umm I really have to get on sorry” I usher her towards the door and she looks annoyed.

2011-05-23T02:55:00.001-07:00

Two word film reviews

Thor: above average

X men 2: surpasses first

X men: the last stand: disappointing plot

X men origins: wolverine: solid effort

Just married: plain drivel

Déjà vu: good thriller

Porridge: classic comedy

2011-05-03T08:57:00.001-07:00

Seems its not just me that gets idiots.

I walk into the dentist and get sent into the waiting room. I sit don and there is 1 other person there. a man in his 60’s. hes eyeballing me with a look of contempt. I look at him and pull a comedic confused expression of his contempt. (I know that doesn’t make sense…. He was looking at me odd so I pulled a way are you looking at me odd face). He looked away. But kept looking at me like I had broken in his house and voided my bowel on his rug. This went on for about 15 mins the the window thing opened and the women poked her head threw and say “mr. Tailor if you’d like to go up.” The guy just saw there. And started stairing at me again. And a few mins passed

“That not you then?” I said

“uuu?” he grunted

“Is that not you then?”

“what name did they call?”

“mr tailor”

“oh” he snorted

he got to his feet and stomped out.

I was still waiting when he came down to re-book for his next check up

“so shall I rebook you for 6 months mr tailor” the woman said politely

“no…. pfft to expensive make it 9 months”

“ohh ok…. Now lets look im going to need next years diary hand on…”

“what?”

“well 9 months takes us into next year…”

“no I don’t want next year I want November”

“right the woman says confused” and politely books him in for November the 3rd

if it was me I would have pointed out that that’s 6 months to the cocking day!

2011-05-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

Two word film reviews

Green hornet: comic fodder

Unstoppable: tense scott

How to train your dragon: surprisingly good

X men: first class

Legends of the guardians the owls of g’hol : beautiful yawn

2011-04-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

two word film reviews

megamind: mildly amusing

tron legacy: stylish sentimentality

2011-04-27T02:29:00.001-07:00

Two word film reviews

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone : magical fun

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets : maintains standard

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban : slightly disappointing

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: thrilling triumph

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix : very dull

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince : pleasingly dark

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part1): slow burner

6 days 7 nights: very average

2011-04-18T01:37:00.001-07:00

2 word film reviews

Harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1: slow burner

Sherlock Holmes (guy Ritchie version): clever fun

Robin hood men in tights: brooks classic

2011-04-11T01:54:00.001-07:00

Two word film reviews.
Machete: too silly.
The hangover: passable comedy.

2011-04-04T03:16:00.001-07:00

We to the sports centre, trying to be a bit more healthy. Ive been letting the sport slip a bit as of late

I had one of these height and weight and body fat things done

And its weighed me up at a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin

It says my BMI is 28… so that makes me over weight and it recons I should be 12 stone.

So 1^stone6lbs or about 10kg to loose then.

In its next bit its says my body fat is GOOD (at just over 20%)

So hang on… if I have the right about of body fat….. im not at all mussley. Where the cocking hell is this 10kg im supposed to loose going to come from?

Bone?

A whole leg?

A particularly traumatising poo?

2011-04-04T02:36:00.001-07:00

two word film reviews.

Skyline: B-movie tosh.

Due date: unfunny disapontment.

Kiss kiss bang bang: undervalued gem.

dirty rotten scoundrels: comady class

2011-03-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

You find me in an odd mood dear reader

Slightly melancholy with world events and people stupid reactions and jokes. Now im normally the first to make a joke about something inappropriate. But some of the stuff ive seen isn’t funny. And is then just offensive. Yes you should laugh of misfortune. Yes you should laugh at everything going wrong. But you still should remember that people have died.

Also what’s annoying me is the fact that Germany has shut down nuclear power plants… now im not even educated in nucualer physics, power generation, history, or geography. But im pretty sure Germany isn’t a tsunami hot spot.

Also 2012 hang on……

Some drug addict twat out side just walked up to a Nepalese gentleman and said

“s’cuse me. Can I ask a favour”

“yes”

“can you move out your flat so I can move in”

“??”

“coz I cant get a flat”

“???”

“yeah that’s what I thought fucking great you twat”

yeah ok back to 2012 im not talking about the London Olympics

im talking about the end of the world or more importantly the retards that think it will be the end of the world.

I direct you to this video

If still not convinced that the world is not going to end. Then If you own a house I will buy it from you 5 grand. You can live in it rent free for a year and if the world ends the you are quids in. if it dosnt then you move out. are you that sure it will end?

2011-03-09T07:59:00.000-08:00

The human race is doomed (contains sweeping generalisations to intentionly cause offence)

Work shy thick people have lots of kids and this causes them to have low income and thus a greater chance of poor education. Poor education, poor income, workshy, more kids. Ever turning cycle when even if there was the glimmer of home of 1 person being some kind of genus that could save mankind they have more chance of being dole scum.

Rich clever people who are saving mankind have fewer children and because they are working. Cresh there children instead of nurture. So the chance of their passed down intelligence is snuffed out by the social awquard resentful that mummy and daddy packed them off o boarding school. Doesn’t actually do anything as they can sit blow their inheritance.

So on a long enough timeline intelligence is decreased

2011-03-09T03:55:00.001-08:00

just had a woman in who wanted react to light lenese but refused to look at any glasses because they have clear lenses in. and couldnt understand that it would that model frame with lenses made for it. she stood looking at the sunglasses and complaine that i didnt have a very big react to light range

2011-02-28T01:22:00.000-08:00

this one dosnt seem to be here for some reason. se the re post

mondays 2 word film reviews.

Alien: cinematic masterpiece.

Aliens : logical continuation.

Alien 3: underated gem.

alien resurrection: turgid joss whedon space pirate pile of shit

(just couldnt stick to 2 words on the last one)

2011-02-28T01:20:00.001-08:00

This weeks 2 word film reviews.

RED: charismatic fun.
Social network: cinematic class.
Burke and Hare: cameo extravaganza.
Despicable me: bloody brilliant.
Shrek the third: please don’t.
Shrek forever after: make anymore

2011-01-07T03:25:00.000-08:00

Oct holy crap that was a while ago

Well been planning the wedding a lot and lets just say there’s lots to do. Taken up a lot of time

So one idiot of the week for you

Bloke comes in with very badly bent glasses

“Right sir I’m not sure these are going to take being bent back”
he looks at me angry “well I was told they where indestructible”
“by who?”
“the people that where here before you”
“before me? Well I have been here 11 years”
“oh… but they are supposed to be indestructible”
“sir nothing is indestructible… these are made of titanium so they are light weigh and defiantly would not have been sold as indestructible”
“cant you heat them up”
“pardon?”
“cant you heat them up and bend them back”
“well off the top of my head sir the melting point of titanium is approximately 1500 oC. apart from not being able to touch them i think that might damage the paint”
I go out back and do a damn good job of keeping them in one piece and getting the wearable
“there you go did my best, hopefully last you until you can have an eye test and sort another pair”
“I thought titanium was indestructible”
His angry face changed when I gave him the news “ nothing is indestructible”
He grumbled and walked out with not so much as a thank you for fixing my glasses that I have been a numb nuts and stepped on

2010-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

flu jab

got a bit of cold on at the moment so it seems slightly topical that i noticed this

http://your.asda.com/2009/9/22/asda-offers-uk-s-lowest-price-seasonal-flu-jab

if you dont want to read or click in the link its about that adsa are doing the flu jab for £8

ASDA! holy fuck whats next the tesco maternaty and gallstone unit

2010-09-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Knock at the door

A blurry eye me opens it to meet a person in BBC news uniform

“Alright?”
“Hello sir can I interview you for BBC news?”
“Umm what for?”
“He looks at me a bit strange “the explosion! ……in sainsbrys”
I look over his shoulder at sainsbrys its less that 60 yards away from my front door, and I have been in all most of the day and the time I was out I was in sainsbrys…. I notice the store is covered in do not cross tape. i can see tv crews and jornolists. My face obously looks I tiny bit surprised

“you don’t know about it then?”
“umm no”
“Well it looks like a coffee machine exploded around 17 people are injured and 6 or so have been take to hospital”
“ohh bloody hell”
“so you have you not been here all day?”
“umm yeah ive been here”
“and you didn’t see or hear anything?”
“umm no… you see halo reach cam out today and I have had the surround sound up quite loud… lots of explosions…” (I trail off as he looking at me with a disapproving and saddened expression)
“yeah… ok thanks sir” he says slightly sarcastically but mainly with pity

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-11302161

2010-08-12T03:58:00.000-07:00

Ive got some Oakley x metal julets to fix. They are the massively expensive ones from mission imposable 2

And for some reason who ever designed them desided they shouldn’t have normal screws. The have torx or tourge screws precisely in the T6 screw.

I phone Oakley. On no we don’t supply the screwdrivers. A hardware store or electronics store will sell it.

Great so I have to go buy one just to fix some glasses.

I go into Farnborough hardware and have a bit of a look. Lots of screwdriver sets. But I cant see one with a T6 I can see a T7 and a T8 but no T6. I wait for the woman to stop having an argument about a refund for a scented candle. Then ask

“ ‘scuse me do do you sell T6 torx screwdrivers?”

the woman dose the largest pantomime shrug I have ever seen out side a pantomime and expels air from her mouth with some spit “pppppFFFFtttt”

“look I dunno I just sell stuff…..cant you find one on the self?”

“well no that’s why im asking if you have them”

she starts to look massively inconvenienced “so you can see one on the self?”

“no I cant”

“what about this!” she picks up the first kit she sees and hands it to me.

“no that doesn’t have one it, that’s for wood work mainly”

“whats it for?”

“well it’s a T6 so its used in electrical and some silly makes of glasses”

“is it for a phone?”

“no its not….. but phones probably have them. I can find a T7 and a T8 here but what I need is a T6 do you even know if you sell them?”

“whats it for?”

“well I have a pair of glasses to fix”

“WELL HERE THEN this is what you need” in even more pantomime stile she theatrically picks up a screwdriver kit and pushes it into my hand and looks at me like im a retard.

“ummmm…. This is a kit with a flat head screwdriver in and a glasses hanging cord for round your neck and some spare assorted screws….. its doesn’t contain the screwdriver I want to buy” I put it back on the self

“why are you in here? Take it to an optician”

“I am an optician……DON’T WORRY I’LL GO TO MAPLINS”

2010-07-28T06:32:00.000-07:00

Refund

A man walks in

“hello how can I help you?”
“I want a refund”
“ohh right… what for”
“a sight test”
“you want a refund for a sight test?”
“you owe me £24 plus the cost of a voucher”
“umm… let me just get your record out….. its says here sir you haven’t had a test or any glasses from us since 2007”
“yes”
“I don’t think I understand you sir”
“well I got a letter saying a was on income support so you owe me…..”
“sir if you where on income support at the time we would have checked your entitlement letter and made sure you got what you where entitled to…. Infact here is a had written note from my boss saying you failed to produce any proof of benefits you where receive so you where not entitled to anything”
“well im on benefits so I want my money back”
“you want your money back of a sight test and glasses you had over 3 years ago?”
“yes”
“well technically you need to try to claim your money back from the nhs… and im sorry to tell you this but I wouldn’t hold up much hope. The system has changed as has the entitlements. And it was over 3 years ago. If it was 3 weeks ago you may have some luck but 3 years…”
“so your not going to give me the money”
“umm no. it’s the ns you need to speak to and I really don’t think you’ll get any money back. Look you are due an new test now and it will be on the nhs so why don’t you have a new one and then if you need a change of prescription they will raise a voucher and that will pay for your lenses so you will be up to date.”
“No I want a refund from you”
“well sir that just not possible as I have not supplied you with anything faulty or returnable. Ill phone the nhs for you and see what they will do”
“go on then”

bring bring

“nhs PCT”
“hello I have a patient that wishes to claim back the cost of there eye exam and the value of a optical voucher”
the woman loudly sighs then asks the customers name and details…
“what was the date of the test?”
“2007”
“what?”
“umm yeah the test was 2007”
“ HAHAHAHAHA….. you have a nutter with you don’t you… tell them to have a new test and a voucher”

Complaint about my attitude

Bloke comes in for a sight test

“hello mr.XXXXX for the 10:20 appointment?”
“where’s the woman”
“what the receptionist?”
“yeah the woman whos here”
“well shes not here today its her day off”
“ohh”
“anyway if you’d like to take a seat in the waiting area the optometrist will be with you in a few mins”

he walks of grubleing, has his test and im handed the results and he sits down at my desk

“right well it looks like there’s been a bit of change to your eyes since we last saw you 2 years ago and we can make you see quite I bit better for distance and reading than you are seeing at the moment”
“right?”
“well yes. As im sure the optometrist explained you would benefit from new glasses”
“oh ok” he says like its news to him. But written on the notes word for word is “told customer would benefit from new glasses”

“Would you like to order some today sir?”
“suppose”
“well for the last 10 years you have been having something from our budget range its £70 for the frame and lenses. Or you can have something from a more expensive range but you have had the budget range for the last 10 years and that is sufficient for your needs”
“so whens the woman back”
“she only works 3 days a week and shes back after the weekend…. So do you want to something form the £70 range”
“how much do I have to pay?”
“well it depends what you pick… but you have always had something from the £70 range and that ok for your new prescription”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you pick the £70 range…” he cuts me off
“what does it COST?”
“well £70”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you want something from the £70 range…£70”
“SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO PAY?”
“£70”
“I’m not paying that” in those 4 words before he has uttered the word “that” he is out the door

I think to my self what and odd bloke. The optometrist comes out and says that MR.XXXX was a really odd bloke kept asking about the receptionist.

Now hes come in complaining about me to the owner saying he didn’t like my attitude and that I told him he had to pay £70 and I dint explain what for

I hope the owner says “£70 for glasses you silly cunt ….and leave our receptionist alone”

2010-05-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

Two drunk middle age rough as badgers arse women stagger across the road. The 2 of them using all there power to have the ability to approximate ambulation. The stagger leads them towards my shop door. I start to think negative thoughts. At the last min the chance course in smash into my window. The shout spit and swear loudly for a few mins…

Im screaming in my head wishing I could hate them to death.

Then police woman appears and walks towards them

Beethoven’s ode to joy starts playing in my head

Then when the police woman arrives the drunk women say

“alright sharron?”
“yeah not bad you girlds facny a drink?”
“yeah what time your shift end?”
“in an hour … meet you in the goose”

at this point i lose faith in all humanaty

2010-04-28T05:57:00.001-07:00

Clash of the titans 3d

Now im not going into the film lets just say it was adequate and that I don’t really like the fact that they remade a classic.

I want to talk about 3d cinema

At this time I haven’t seen avatar. And its not on in the cinema anymore so ill probably see it in 2d on blu ray.

Is a film made better by it being in 3d? I think it makes an average film better in a novelty way.

Now most special effect films with big action scenes , big explosions, dizzying heights ect. The 3d adds scale and makes the film bigger. Because lets face it that’s what the film wants to be BIG. How can you make action film A bigger than action film B. 3D!

But would 3d make truly brilliant films better?

The userwel suspects in 3D?
It’s a wonderful life in 3D?
Reservoir dogs in 3D?
BLADERUNNER IN 3D?

I’m not sure it would. The other factor is those films where not made in 3d where as clash of the titans was made to be in 3d so there where scenes specially put in to wow and amaze in 3d (but not a lot else).

I have an sort of photographic memory7 for films I have scean. I can kinda replay scenes in my head. But thinking about clash of the titans. I cant really rember what bits where in 3D (an interestion point to probably no one but myself)

This things that didn’t work so well. The method used for the 3d was the dolby 3D. with is quite a clever 3d method. It used interference lenses to only allow certain wavelengths of light to each eye. So both eyes are getting all the colours but different wavelengths.

There is one problem with this the fact you loose light. In a dim cinema loosing 20% (im guessing) is quite a lot to loose and I felt that it was like watching tv with my sunglasses on.

Also computer-generated elements of the film worked a lot better than “real” elements. At some points the wrong things seemed to be in focus to me.

A nearer object sticking out of the screen and thus closer to me would be out of focus, the person talking would be in focus. But I had a waking depth out of focus object closer to and I found it a bit off putting.

Also there seemed to be an odd effect with people, they seemed to standing on top of themselves. Very hard to explain this , but when you saw a person in 3d. it looked like they had someone standing behind them because the two angles gave you slightly more than you should be able to see. This as well put me off. And at some points I found myself closing 1 eye until some more computer crash bang wolp came on.

There are lost of 2d clues to depth perception. If an object is bigger than another object that you know to be the same size you know the bigger is closer. Shadows , and overlapping.

The 3d only adds parallax. This is whaere a closer object moves against the way you are moving and distant objects appear to move in the same direction. An example of this is look out the side window of a car moving , things you pass appear to move in opposite but hills seem to be moving in the same direction (but at a different rate) not the best example there. But im sure you dint come here for a my excellent spelling and a geometric optics lecture.

Now as I have only seen 1 film in 3D. well I have actually seem 3

Creature from the black lagoon. This was with red and green glasses
Some imax cartoon this was with polarized filters
Clash of the titans the Dolby 3d method

Is 3d cinema just a gimmick….. At this stage I have to say I think it is.

I think it can be used for something something that the viewer looses buy watching it on tv….

SPORT!

I think 3d tv sport is the future for this not film. Watching on 2d you loose what you would see by being there. Football, rugby, tennis would all benefit from the view being able to see the positions of things in 3d. I don’t think that would be a gimick

Time will tell

2010-04-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

A women came in my shop. she was elderly and a bit odd and referred to her self in the 3rd person just as much as she didn’t.

And also refered to herself as sainsbury and sainsburys

On the paperwork it was sainsbrys but that paperwork was from someware else

“so is your name sainsbry or sainsbrys its just you have used both”
she looked at me a little annoyed “its sainsbry”
“right cos on the paperwork its says sainsbrys”
“its sainsbry the same as the shop”
“umm the shop is sainbry’s…..”
“well my names not plural”
“so you name is without the S”
“yes its got an S its sainsbry”
“I was referring to the s at the end”
“there is no s at the end its spelt like the supermarket”
“yeah I was just checking because you have used both”
“so you cant remember my name”
“yes I can rember your name”
“can you call me a taxi…”
“yes ofcorse”

“for mrs sainsbrys going to …….”

2010-04-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

2 nutters for you today

One comes in wanting me to look at their nose…… I know that pretty close to your eyes…. But its still not actually your eyes. Thus not really my field of expertise.

The second was a very bad liar.

“hello madam…. You seem to have cancelled you direct debit with us”
“I have never had a direct debit with you”
“Yes you have you have had it for a number of years but you cancelled it in October. So unless you restart it I can continue to supply you with goods”
“oh ok then”

she starts to fill in the form

“umm I don’t know the address of my bank”
“is it the same account as you had the direct debit with us before?”
“No its not it’s a different account”

I scream AHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHAAAAA in my head
I took her about 15 second to forget she had lied to me….. Children standing over a broken vase with bits of it in their hand saying I didn’t do it are better liars than that

2010-03-01T08:11:00.001-08:00

Generally feeling a bit rough and feverish. I summoned up the strength to get up and stick the washing on. As I press the on button there’s a loud bang and the washing machine dies in a puff of white smoke than then bleeds stale water all over the floor. Much cursing happens. And its not even a consolation that I now don’t have to do the washing.

I get in the car….. Engine temp water light is on….. That’s not good. Some one in the family says they will have a gander at it. I drive to there with the light stareing me in the face. I stop after a while to let it cool. And the car does a big wee all over the side of the A303. much cursing happens.

The cat also appears to not be in a good mood. Generally trying to wound the wife and me.

Also I don’t recommend norovirus…. It fucking sucks. That’s why I haven’t been doing many updates

also some stupid chaz kid is giveing out my email again thinking its his. all the stupid emo chaves sending me mail and msn requests can cock of. and next time he trys to send me his xbox after its repaired im gonna keep it

2010-01-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

ive suspended anonomus posting as it was getting spammed

2010-01-18T06:05:00.001-08:00

Its amazing how embarrassment makes people lie

Some does something amazingly stupid and its going to cost them they say “I dunno how it got like that”

I seen pairs of glasses that look like they have been walked on by a carnival precession consisting of mainly elephants, and the person puts teher hand on their heart looks me in the eye and says I just opened the case this morning and they where like that. When I sagest that that could be true but they are leaving out the bit where the jumped up and down on then and then put them in the case so that when they open the case this morning the glasses where like it. They tend to get very angry. Because something they did that was stupid is now going to cost them. Most people come in saying that the fell apart over night in the case. And complain that the glasses a faulty and want a new pair.

Today’s bell end didn’t even have the intelligence to lie properly.

“These glasses have fallen apart…. “
“ok… lets have a look”
“thay are soo week”
“ umm… they look like that have been crushed”
“no….. they where just in my pocket”
“in the case?”
“no… and they may have got a little bit squashed”
“so they got crushed in your pocket because they wernt in the case”
“the case breakes them”
“the case …. I thing that designed to protect them when not in use breakes them?”
“yes they are weak glasses.”
“well you crushed them in your pocket”
“well you said they are under guarantee”
“when?”
“when I bought them”
“well yes everything you buy has a guarantee against manufacturing faults but crushing them isn’t a fault…. Its your fault”
“well they are undergarentee and they are weak”
“thay are not garennteed agains you being careless its not a manafaters fault you crusing them. I can get them repaired but you will have to pay for new parts”
“they are under guarantee I paid lots of money for these”
“look it dosnt matter what they cost. If you crused them you crushed them. They would have the same damage, no matter what they cost”
“well im not happy about this”
“(WELL IM NOT HAPPY ABOUT YOU BEING ALIVE) would you like me to send them away to be repaired?”
“go on then….”

2009-12-23T06:25:00.000-08:00

2009 game awards
As decided by me

The winner of most pointless remake is …..The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

Re release the first game and tack on some shitty ad on pack and charge lost of money. Should just save your self the money buy grabbing the xbox verson out the bargin bin for £9

The winner of why the hell am I playing this its more addictive and life destroying than crack is… peggle

Bright colours encouraging sounds….. missing meals because you must just finish that last lvl ….

Best remake…… monkey island

Still I think remakes are a bit pointless. But butifly updated graphics and sound. And kept the plot untouched. Pure class

Hardest 1 bullet scrapes passed you and you die of a heart attack so defiantly nor for pussys fps of the year is …….. Operation flashpoint dragon rising.

In hard mode. No save point no hud. Infact nothing helping you at all. Spend 2 hours crawling on your belly. Most likely what id be like in a real war.

Most improved sequel of the year… assassins creed 2.

Took out 90% of the bullshit from the first game, good effort B-

Game that’s labled as a game but its pretty much and add-on pack you pay full price for…. Joint winners , left 4 dead 2 and halo ODST

Left for dead was in the first place an add on to halflife 2 and they made us pay full wack and now they have released a sequel they expect you to pay full wack for again. Halo. Chalks up the win here for making you pay for multiplayer lvls you have already payed for and a single player campain with is fun but short and hence essecaly an add-on pack

Most disappointing plot of the year….. modern warfare 2

The first game was at least grounded in reality. Thins game the “writers” went totally snooker loopy

Most disappointingly short game of the year…. modern warfare 2

I played this game in the hardest difficulty and I wrapped it all up in about 8 hours. If id been playing it in easy. I recon this game would be around 15 mins…. Totally not worth the price especially if you got some of the crazy special addition versions of this game

Worst game of the year that I actually payed for…. WET

Everything that is wrong with games is displayed here. Just bad…. No fun to play at all

And finally best game of the year..... Batman archam asylum.

Need I say more ist got fucking batman in it.

2009-12-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

so you think its cold there....... well that ice on the inside of my windows.

2009-12-03T05:49:00.001-08:00

Do you know what my problem is …… im too bloody nice.

This happens more and more to me.

Customer comes in, hands me a pair of glasses. And they say they want new lenses in them. When I look at them it turns out they already have exactly what the want in them they have handed me the wrong pair. The others are in a draw at home. The person I s a bit old and forgetful and it terns out they have been wearing their old glasses for a year or more and there brand new ones that have never been warn they think are there old ones. And then they want them brought up to date……. Evan though they already are.

I point out to them they must have another pair at home. Because my orders show that the glasses should be blue not brown, and a totally different size and colour. But they never believe me. Im trying to save them money and they think im lieing. Just because they have been a fool. I can change the lenses for you if you want . but ill be making up exactly the same as already in them.

The latest woman thinks im lie so much shes coming back to talk to my manager.

I know what I should have done. Told her they would be ready in 1 hour. Stick them on my desk. Read the paper, and in 1 hour hand them back and pocket the cash.

But I don’t coz im too bloody nice and ripping of pensioners is not my stile no matter how much they want me to.

2009-11-30T06:43:00.000-08:00

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

Over hearing “conversations” from winos outside

“you read this shit….. foreigners cunts getting a 1.8 milling quid house in London…. Fucking foreign cunts…..”
“don’t get me started…..(lots of racist incomprehendable swearing here).

The 3 winos then shout at some bloke at the other end of the street saying something about hamas…. The swig cans of K cider and special brew then beging to “sing” a nirvana song….
“yeah so I have to do some (insert a 3 letter abbreviation here) report fucking waste of time that is , but the fucking thing got me 12 months off my sentence, I served 5 days and the cunts gave me a flat” he then shouts some more rasest things at passers by and kicks his dog.

i wish i owned a gun and a licence to kill

2009-11-09T04:26:00.001-08:00

Why I hate EA… (me being a fanboy here sorry)

Well hate is a strong word…. Ok they are not all bad….. but only in the way that Hitler wasn’t all bad.

What I dislike is the way they spot a small company that makes something good, buys that little company, amalgamate it in to there huge machine and the little cogs have no creativity anymore, lost the spark that made there good idea special in the first place.

And the other thing the do is release a game. Then slowly release add on packs and you end up spending 2 or 3 times what you would have paid if it had all been in one game. See the sims of burn out paradise.

The biggest thing that’s upset me is the have put criterion on making the new need for speed game. And even know I knew they would do this im still annoyed. (c’mon harry its only a game)

Burnout 1. good effort for a first game. Very similar to thrill drive.

Burnout 2 . fast, crashes pretty. I love love love this game.

Burnout 3 added the fact that you can takedown the other racers. A thing I always though should have been in burnout2

Burnout 4 or revenge. Pretty much the same as 3 but you could start to feel the meddling or EA

Burnout 5 paradise. I see why someone thought open word would be good. But to honest is was bad. For the purpose of it being a multiplayer destruction derby thing then yeah that was fun . But it wasn’t burnout. The fast racing was gone as was crash mode. The best party game since all female jelly twister. I bought it expecting to hate the open world thing and I did. The game was fun but it wasn’t burnout. If it had been called someing else I would have seid “yeah that games good but not as fun as the burnout games that company used to make” I think it was sold as a burnout game just so it had the burnout name coz that would get sales.

It was annoused earlier in the year that the criterion team are now making the new need for speed game. The need for speed game was the biggest competitor of the burn out games. It like the pro evo team making the new fifa. Or the silent hill team making the resident evil..

EA have bought the team that made top notch racing games and put them to work on their vastly inferior competitor.

Little cogs in the ea machine

2009-11-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

Do you know what pisses me off…..

Well quite a lot of things … but mainly today scroungers…..

A short man walks in asking for his glasses to be repaired. They are a year or 2 old and haven’t had a good life. (the glasses not him hes about 50). On slightly closer inspection (I didn’t dare touch them I haven’t been keeping up with my inoculations) I saw they where of the lowest quality possible. Im not going to mention the name of where they where purchased from all I’ll say is he shouldn’t have gone there.

He throws a grubby piece of paper infront of me that had horrible tide makes on it from him. It was a for outlining the benefits system and entailment to money for glasses.

“they say I have to pay for them” pointing roughly at the wall behind me presumably in the direction of the other opticians. I don’t dare turn my head and the charity box on my desk disappears when people like him are in and I take my eyes off it.

“well yes sir you do”
“it says here I don’t”
“sir that says there that….. people under the age of 16 are entitled to a repair voucher”
“yeah see I get a repair voucher”
“but your over 16”
“yeah it says over 16”
“only children get free repairs”
…….. he scans the paper……..”says here other people can too”
“well yes that true … but that a way of putting that disabled people can get repairs”
“Im disabled”
……the fucker walked in the place “well if for people who are very disabled”
“I am”
(I don’t fucking doubt that)…. “I mean people who are severally mentally and physically handicapped”
he just looks at me
“look sir you not entitled… its only for people so disabled they can even get to the shop”
“well I got no money”
“look I didn’t make those glasses there pretty cheep by the looks of them. If you got them on a voucher in the first place they had to cost around £36”
he interrupts me “they where free”
“yes I know you didn’t pay for them the NHS did and they cost £36 because that the value of the voucher. So logically if the frame and lenses cost 36. the frame would most likely be around £15 and they sould be able to get you a new one and pop your lenses in that”
“well im disabled I fall over a lot…”
I look at his shopping 8 cans of special brew

I don’t think the fucker interpratated my next stare correctly. It was a why are you complaining to me about some product from another shop, whilst you try to swindle the health care system that my tax money pays for when if you didn’t by 8 cans of antifreeze larger you could easily have the glasses fixed type stare.

Admittedly there's a lot to read from that look.

Also today if anyone wants to come kill the racist thug that stands out side my shop shouting racist names at people and threatening to kick them in it would be much appreciated.
And DO NOT PUT alkyl ethersulfate, ethoxylated alkyl phenol, tri-quaternary cocoabased phospholipid and silica gel with titanium dioxide. in your eye it results in a trip to A&E

2009-10-30T05:38:00.001-07:00

Some people are weird

Standing in the bank I couldn’t help over some loud mouth chavy woman screaming at the staff.

“its fucking ridiculous that you have but a fucking block on my account just coz someone has take 40quid out…. id fucking understand if it was like 400 but its only 40 quid its fucking ridiculous this banks a fucking joke”

now if some one had take 40quid from my account I would want the back manage to personally stalk the mother fucker that took the money and when the find them go medieval with some pliers, a car battery and a bat with nails in.

but this woman took objection to the bank trying to stop people from stealing her money. Perhaps if I just asked her for 40 quid she’d give it to me?
The bitch didn’t look that rich to me. But then I don’t know the cost of velour track suits, claires accessories 8 inch hoop earrings, and enough bacardi breezers and dominos to get that fucking fat.

2009-10-16T03:37:00.000-07:00

retard of the day....

sitting at my desk someone walks in

“Hello can I help you”
“I got this…..(hands me a piece of paper)”
“(I skim read it)…… umm ok that’s a piece of paper telling you to make an appointment for an operation………(he just looks at me)………at the hospital”
“can I speak to the doctor”
“we don’t have a doctor we are an opticians”
“yes…..”
“…… (I look oddly at his strange little bald head)…. So…..”
“I wanted to talk to the doctor so they’d tell me what to do……”
“(I take the piece of paper back….. I start at the very beginning ) is this you mr….”
“yes….”
“good. Now it say her you need to phone the hospital and make an appointment… look the number here”
“what option do I pick”
“what…”
“it says there pick option”
“well yes… but there is only 1 option”
“there different things”
“no they are the same thing. Ones the department at the hospitol, and written after that is the name of the hospital”
“they are different”
“no they are the same place”
“but 2 things”
“no its at firmly park hospital”
“2 options”
“look. There is only 1 place listed…. The department at firmly park. If you lived near 2 hospitals they probably would give you a choice of with hospital you wanted to go to or something. But you don’t”
“so witch one is the closest to me”
“theres only 1 hospital on the list.”
“but witch do I pick the department or the hospital”
“they are the same thing”
“witch hospital is the closest to where I live?”
“where do you live?”
“north camp”
“firmly park then”
“so… “
“(I quickly interrupt before he can ask me witch option again) NOW you need to phone firmly… look the phone numbers there…. (I point it out quite over dramatically) make your appointment for your operation”
“he scans the letter for a long time as I stand there with a very thin smile…he looks at me in way that tells me he doesn’t believe what I have told him). Umm….ok”

he walks out.

what a fucking dick! I think to myself wasting NHS money on retards there should be some mandatory IQ test before you are entitled to NHS treatment.

Then I think for another few seconds.

The letter was to book in for surgery. Meaning hes already been to the department on the peace of paper at firmly park hospital. A consultant must have already examined him and desided if he needs treatment. etc….
Yeah mandatory spacktrad testing before automatic entitlement to NHS treatment…..

2009-10-12T01:28:00.001-07:00

Sorry to all my lady fans
I took the one of you that I chose (the one of you females that tolerates me…..and doesn’t spray stingy liquid in my eyes when ever I approach). To a swanky restaurant. Then after the duck course when I know she would be too full to run away. Produced a dozen red roses. Her favrote chocolates. And the ring she had had her heart set on. On one knee I popped the question…..

2009-09-24T01:45:00.000-07:00

I run exhausted to the jewellers holding my receipt ready to collect my….(well it not my its hers) engagement ring. Io gets there at 5:20. and some snotty little gut behind the door saying they are closed and wont let me collect. Muther fucker. I stop home pissed of trying to thing how im going to adjust my plans….

Next morning after a bad night all coz twat boy would let me have the ring I march up there just after 9…… sign that was not on the door yeasterday…. Closed for staff training….

They are lucking I didn’t have exposer to gamma rays in a lab someware when i was younger

a few hours later

i collect the ring ... grumble to the woman about not being open etc.....

i take the ring home and think maybe is should go see the wife at work and check it fits......

then i notice..... the rings gem setting ic cracked!!!!!! and where they have resized it. the gold its 2 diffrent colours... its not evan close to matching.... they have ruind the ring she had her hart set on......

i cant even explane how angry i am......

2009-09-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

My travels …… part 1 getting there

Heathrow terminal 5 is pretty good. From check in to duty free in roughly 10 mins. That what I like in my airports. And but some fortuitous coincidence. Where we checked in was unbelievably close to our gate. Not like the last time I flew and I had to hike 45min across Gatwick. Id been warned that the Canadian customs are funny about what they let you bring in. only 1ltr of your favrote poison. So that 2 cans of larger or 1 bottle Dr. Rutgarts mad dog insanity overproof sipping liquor / engine degreaser. So the choice was easy. Find myself a alcohol mule. Other people I was flying with where now carrying my Smirnoff blue label. 2 weeks away im gonna at least need to ltr of vodka.

9and a half hours, the fast and the furious, star trek, and some episodes of porridge later. I crunched down in Calgary

there waiting for me as some pensioners in golf buggies offering to drive me the 200 yards to the customs desk. Yeah that’s exactly what I need after 9 and a half hours sitting down. A bit more. (Perhaps I was tired and a bit grumpy…. Considering I had wanted to walk out on fast and furious knowing full well I was 35000 up)

“Canadian are the nicest people you could ever meet” was a phrase I had still ringing in my ears from everyone I had ever told I was going to Canada. So as chirpily as I could when I got to the customs desk. I said hello, how are you? to the woman. And she staird at me like id just done a shit on her inkpad. I handed her my passport and my imagation pass and some other bit of paper she wanted. But apparently I handed them to her in the wrong order. And she over drematily shuffled them trying to make as much russling noise as possible. I rolled my eyes up and noticed the big sign listing things you cant bring in to Canada. High up on the list was soil. I wish I had some on me. It would be flying in to that woman’s face. She handed me back my paper work. I too 2 steps and handed it to the bloke standing behind her. She was closer than me. He said "welcome to Canada enjoy your stay"

2009-09-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

additianl disclamer. any rough genralistions in the following are ment to be takens at hyperbole

List of odd differences I encountered between Alberta (south nr foothills) and Hampshire

1. you cant get real bacon its like the McDonalds round beacon.
2. a short walk to the shops an back is around 8 miles
3. speed limits are painfully slow
4. 3 in 5 trucks/ cars have a broken windscreen
5. there’s no MOT’s
6. road deaths are higher than a lot of other country’s
7. the driving test seems easy
8. the bigger the better they seem to thing that anything small is no good. This rule applies to almost everything
9. you cant get beer anyware except liquor stores and bars (its like the don’t want you to bloody drink)
10.YOU CAN’T SODDING GET BEER AT THE SUPERMARKET
11. there no family meal pub culture
12. Supermarkets sell guns and ammo
13. there’s lots of hair crimes
14. a lot of people are a little too interested in horses for my likeing
15. people couldn’t understand my strange accent
16. Everyone thought I must be a criminal because I was from Europe
17. the 10 cents coin is smaller than the 5 cents
18. at customs they really really don’t want to let you into the country
19.Most people are really friendly, slightly unnervingly so to begin with. At first I though this was a kind of American “have a nice day” bullshit. But its not
20. People do say EH?
21. everything there is described as awsome. (see linked eddie izzard gag) but pronounced arseoom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rYT0YvQ3hs

I recommend it. just stock up on duty-free and some good walking shoes

2009-07-20T04:21:00.000-07:00

Harry potter and why the bloody hell are they not getting on and doing anything.

Now I haven’t read the books. Only watched the films.

Im going to say right here that goblet of fire is the best of the Harry potter films (so far 2 to go etc) I liked the way there was this wizard tournament and there was some hidden malevolent forces twisting the result ect. There was a good bit of mystery to it ete.

And the first films where like that to. Since then its all been the bloody same. Ohh yeah voldermort is about (someware…. Wooo isn’t that spooky) and that’s about it. there’s a evil teacher that was basically a bitch from garage hill making kids self-harm. I honestly don’t think that warranted a 2-hour film. Now since goblet of fire they have known that voldermot bin laden has been kicking about someware. And hes got some crazed bird that’s married to tim burton cackling like a pantomime villain doing his bidding. Theres a few others and they are basically indcated because of the music and make-up that accompanies them. Now lets take a guess and say there 20 or so of these death eaters. Now guessing here there must be 1000 people at hogwarts. And we know from goblet of fire theres another 2 schools. So roughly 3000 magic users. 2 parents per kid. 6000 some can not have magic parents so roughly 4000 magic users. There must be magic users without kids or with kids too young for the school system. So im reckoning form my poorly worked out guesses there must be 10000 adult magic users. 10000 vs 20 death eathers and voldermort bin laden.

So why the fuck do low rent gandalf and specky potter (who lets face it get his ass kicked ever step of the way) go off on ther bloody own to cave where they know there gonna be bad stuff. To drink some black goo and be attacked by golem clones from lord of the rings. And whilst im thinking of rip offs the luck potion it was dangerously close to coping red dwarf there…. But then desided to just make harry potter buzzing his titts of. And then jim brordbent just got pissed and told him anyway. Yeah that was lucky.

Now for the remaing 5 hours that I have to wait a year or so for (to be dragged to buy the wife) he’s going to be hunting for the remaing objects wopt de bloody doo. Not some appointed magic used task force. A schoolboy. And I really crap one at that.

In short.

All very well and good not knowing about evil force twisting things from behind closed doors. Now they know about evil why the hell are they sitting with their thumbs up there butts sending schoolboys off to get half drowned buy low rent golem clones

2009-07-02T01:46:00.001-07:00

Hotter than hell sweatier than satans jock strap.

I have “commandeered” some fans from work that only have a moderate chance of bursting into flames. Thus defeating the object of them really. But short of putting myself in the fridge I really dint know what to do. My house was obviously designed by thermos. When its cold there’s ice in my house and its actually warmer outside. When it’s hot my house leaches all the heat from the world and stores it inside. Yah I live in a flask.

Well im arranging these fans to mainly point at my side of the sofa. And not the wife’s but make it look like they are mainly pointing at her. She come home and says the cat looks hot.

“The cat looks hot” (she I told you she said that)
“na babe hes fine…. Help me aim these fans at my cods”
she flicks me some disapproving look…. The one I get 90% of the day. “I think wee should bath him to cool him down”

at this point I have a flashback ‘nam stile to the horror before

the was no getting around it she was going to dunk the cat. And I had to be there to make the cat think it was my doing. So any reparations would be down to me.
5 mins later I was standing with a soggy cat and my blood on the wrong side of my skin

2009-06-04T01:43:00.001-07:00

“Harry….. Wake up”
“uuuuuuuurrrrgggghhh….????”
“Wake up….” She hits me
“ahhhh bloody hell what woman?”
“The cat looks ill”
“What?”
“Alfie doesn’t look very well”
“hes a cat hes all hairy and evil how can you tell”
“He just doesn’t look very well”
“HE IS BLOODY FINE”

as the last syllable is said the cat spectacularly projective vomits

A told you so face appears on the wife’s face

“See I told you he was ok” I add for comedy effect

The cat then sidesteps and vomits again.

“Ok ill call the vet”

2009-05-20T01:46:00.001-07:00

5 am i'm engrossed in a lucid dream the like of witch I haven’t experienced in years. I’m blissfully unaware of what its about to happen as an intruder silently and stethaly creeps into my room. In the half-light he must have mistaken witch end of the bed I was sleeping or he intended to wake me, the answer to this I will never know. He rains down an attack on my foot. My dream is replaced by white agony then confusion. He’s hurt me enough to wake me but not incapacitate me. I’m confused and my eyes haven’t adjusted to the light. I raise my left arm to defend myself and he attacks with all his might. In the maelstrom my arm takes the full force of his attack, some how though if manage to knock him to the floor. My eyes just about adjust as my eyes meet his. His next attack is quick. Quicker then I could possibly expect. I feel the flesh of my cheek parting. All I can reach is the pillow I swing hard. Somehow it connects well and he is halted in his attack on my face. He tumbles to the floor again. But has time to correct his fall and lands neatly. He looks at me. I feel the blood running down my cheek. His message is delivered. He lets out a satisfied meaow, turns flicks his tail and is gone into the darkness.

2009-05-18T03:47:00.000-07:00

Eurovision and bathing the cat.

So no wogan…. I had my doubts weather it would still have the magic. When it was announced I was confident he was the logical choice. The boy did good. He added a level of bitchyness to proceedings. The drinking game rules change every year mainly because we get so wasted they go out the window and no once can rember them. This year the wife was ill so I had to drive her home so no gin and relentless for me. This was possibly a blessing in descise as I think gin and relentless could have killed me…. Or would have done some serous tinkering with my digestive tract that the maintenance men at sothernwater would not have thanked me for. The people in charge of making up the rules said. Drink at power grabs, shaven chests, bitchy comments, campness etc….. then when it gets to the scoring drink for every point England gets. In prevose years this was a bit of relief at our nil points. This year I think they drank 171 times at out 5th place. 171 drinks for the melted paedophile walrus face of sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The mrs wanted to bath the cat. She said she’s always wanted too and id always wanted to reseve a rususative procedure. So angering an animal with teeth and claws seemed the logical choice and chelle said I should expect at the very least a blood transfusion.

I have to say the cat wasn’t best please at the whole affair but he didn’t try to kill us. No one got injured witch was a shock as I was hoping I would be so hurt it would get me out of my Sunday afternoon washing up chore. “Sorry love you’ll have to do it I need to go to A&E and get my hand put back on”

the say a picture speeks athousand words.... and it probubly will in my prossicutions case at my animal crulty trial

he was suspisious i took his collur off

lured him in with a duck

he sat there and took it like a man

alfie mid shake teh watter off like a dog

he's a hairy liittle beast

2009-05-11T04:26:00.000-07:00

some more noncence cartoons ive beein commisioned to make

2009-04-17T01:13:00.000-07:00

I think someone is trying to subvertly mock me by taking signs from the near by road works and place them faceing into my shop window at my desk.
The signs read ……SLOW

2009-03-20T02:20:00.001-07:00

Cat shit

When we moved into “our” new gaff it was immediately taken over by the wife and alfie. With all my interior design suggestion immediately dismissed with a thin smile a chuckle… pat on the head and a suggestion like. “that’s lovely but ive already got that sorted out hows about you go and set up the telly.”

So with no power to veto the ca litter tray goes next to the bath. (Probably where I would have put it to…. But that’s not the point). So it leaves me in this situation.

Sitting in the bath thinking about the horrors of work
The cat comes in cherps his little cat greeting, and looks at me a little too long as if to say, you going to get out now? Then he breaks eye contact with a little cat sigh and goes to his tray. Where he locates a spot, refused to make eyecontct with me. The same way any men do in a communal lavatory do. And makes a puffing out his cheeks thrutching face.

Now his poopy stinks …… properly stinks … makes your eyes burn….. its probably all that Guinness and pork scratchings im feeding him on the sly.

Then he's done

But no he doesn’t leave it in the tray for me to quickly bad tag and launch out the window. He starts kicking it about the bathroom it what I suppose in his little feline brain is helping me out. the little twit kicks all of it behind him. Then turns around to see it all over the place. The thinks that will never do. And starts kicking it all in the other direction. With me flailing around in the bath trying to stop him.

To be honest ive looked better.

2009-03-05T04:40:00.001-08:00

My curse

Im pretty sure iv mentioned this before. But I have mechanics and cars and everything. When ever I take my car to anyware to get fixed . they fix something that doesn’t need fixing and ignore what I asked them to do…. Or 10 mins later if falls off my car. Or I get ripped off. They just generally fuck up and don’t do the work and over charge me

Monday I phone up. And ask for my car to be serviced and mot’ed. And tell them that the windscreen washer pump needs replacing and that my boot lock has broken and needs replacing.

Then on leaving my car today. I say this is the things that need doing windscreen washer pump and the boot lock. Coz they are mot fails arnt they? Bloke checks it written in the book and takes my key.

Few hours later I get a phone call. Sorry sir your car has failed its mot.

The windscreen washers don’t work and we cant open the boot to get at the spare wheel. Both mot failures

BUNCH OF CUNTS

2009-02-25T03:13:00.001-08:00

MY PHONE BEEPS WITH A NEW TXT AT AROUND MIDNIGHT

“I am home safe and sound thanx 4 a fab nightx”

I REPLY “my plesure. Not sure im the person u ment to txt. And I defnatlywasnt out with anyone tonight but glad your safe”

(id mostly been sitting in my pants playing xbox and eating a kabab)

“Thanx 4 gud thoughts but I guessi have the wrong number 4 the person I wanted!”

“So you worked who you where with then? Hope you haven’t been ‘flert diverted’ or what ever them kids call it”

yeah yeah I thought I was being so funny…. Next day carly comes home from work.

“why where you sending my boss weird txts”
“do what love?”
“you txt my boss and I had to explane to her what flirt divert was”
“ohh…. She txt me say thank for the great night…. How the hell did she have my number?”
“ohh I called her from you phone”

2009-02-10T04:43:00.000-08:00

the fall of lycos

well they have served me well. if anyone uses my lycos accont dont bother anymore it shuts down 15/2/09

shame realy

2009-01-14T03:42:00.001-08:00

Electrisaty

Been having some cost problems with the electric. Basicly the key meter I put money on makes it disaper faster than visit to a fair. On a side note way the fuck is the fair called the fair. Coz I don’t know anyone who managed to get one of theose tings over the block that 3 times bigger than the ring and won a can of spectial brew with a tenner stuck to it. the electrisaty meter had fleased me for 100 notes in 30 days. I almost impressed by how little electrisaty I had used and how much it had cost. Just having a bath cost me £3 in electric. And buy the blog before indicated I wasn’t using the heating as that using more money. And littrly changing it to leira and burning it would have kept me warmer and been more cost effective.

So I got the electrisaty bord to come and change the meter (hopeing this would save me money this I wont know for a while)

As customery with all stupid events in my life it involves a wizend old deaf bloke.

There a knock at the dore and there this wizend old bloke, (see told you) and it tooke my about 2 mins to realise he was deaf.

No this is going to be dificlet to wright because the man could hear me when looking at me but not when he was looking away. It was like a 2 ronnies scetch

“im here to swap you meter”
“good stuff this way, its in the cubbard”

the bloke goes in the cubbard

“oh here it is”
“yep…. Would you like a drink?”
“so im changing this for an economy 7 meter am I?”
“I think so. That’s what I need for my night storage heaters isn’t it?
he turns around and has a confused smile on his face
I repeat “economy 7 for night storage heaters”
“yeah much cheeper”
he turns away
“so …. Do you want a drink?”
“yeah………(there is a slight pause and we both begine to talk at the same time)
these key ones cost a fortune
tea? Coffee? Squash

he dosent seem to have notised that I offerd him drinks

he turns around still babbly about the meater

“do you want a drink?”
“ohh no thanks had loads of tea earlier”

at that point the cat come out and starts trying to kick all the stuff out of he tool box

“ohh sorry (I grab the cat… the blokes head is in the cobbard) you ok with cats not elergit or anything.”
“this woman made me 4 cups of tea earlier”
“ohh right…. That’s a lot…. Umm you ok with the cat?”
“some days I get loads of drinks and some days I get none”
“ohh right”
“so… you live on a bit of a building site here don’t you”
“yeah… be good when its done … its going to be a car park”
“I hear it going to be a car park” (NO YOU DON’T FUCKING HEAR DO YOU)
he pop out the cubord

“ohh hello cat…. Ive got 2 myself”

hes thae for 15 mins and everything I say he then brings up about 2 mins after I have said it.

I know this hasn’t really worked well as a blog. but it slightly more intresting than me moaning that im cold

2009-01-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

Night. 11:30. My bathroom

I enter. Reflecting on the tasks still for me to do to the new gaff I begin to urinate.

I glance out of the window.

The window is frosted glass

The cogs in my brain turn…

I don’t rember that window being frosted glass…

And its quite a pretty pattern compared to other frosted witndows ive seen

On closer inspection its ice

ON THE FUCKING INSIDE

On joy
As the wife says…… it really is the house that jack built

(on reflection you probubly didnt need to know i was having a wee..... )

2009-01-03T01:25:00.000-08:00

Good-bye 2008

This year has gone fast, it only seems like a its lasted a few months. Not 12. It doesn’t seem long ago I did my see 65 days of static in Southampton then Camden. And they opened with a song called good-bye 2007. Now its 2009. 2008 was strange. Lots of deaths and a lot of babies popped out or on their way to clawing there way for people wombs. My facebook friends list is full of people that at school where im never having kids then 10 years later poopin’ ‘em out. Does it seem like 10 years since the end of school?

Well on to 2009. got my new (new to me) maisonette. Ive put the wife in it and got her cat back. No small feat that. If you read my blog in the summer or talked to me I was plagued by the thing but also strangely attached to it. The little shit used to wake me up every day at 4:30amand no matter what I did I couldn’t stop it from doing this or get him from going crazy until around 7:30 where I had to get up and he’d curl up purr contentedly then fall asleep. He also has a lot of strange little cat emotions. Basically he gets revenge if you tell him off. He'll walk over and slowly tip your drink over. Or claw you the sit there with his back to you looking at you out the corner of his eye. He also is unbelievably jellouse. Anyhoo. In the time hes been away hers learnt new tricks for waking me up. Before he just used to jump on me and lick me and kinda head but me. Now hes got evil. He can now make this sound like a baby crying. Witch kind of makes you panic thinking what’s wrong. And hes sitting there looking pleased with himself. But the worst so far is thing trick. He jumps up on you or new to you head. Pokes out his middle claw. Then with all the precision of a surgeon pokes it into the middle of your top lip. Its like how the fuck does he know that your lip is one of the most sensitive places on the human body. Im just dredging that he doesn’t decide shivving you in the eye works better.

Well there’s loads of shit wrong with my new gaff witch im guaranteed to moan about later. Ie the single glazed windows and fuck all heating. This morning there was ice on the windows. Like a car gets iced up. And the fact that the electricity meter is a massive con. And robs me to the tune of £20 a week. More on this later

Happy New Year

2008-12-24T01:21:00.000-08:00

happy christmas boys and girls i hope santa brings you all that you wanted. (if you where good) if not then get the lump of coal you deserve.

my wife is getting her cat back. lets see what happens there. i have to say ive missed the little blighter. but in a few weeks hes going to had destryoyed my my tv and pissed in the fridge or somthing.

well have a good one folks

raise a glass to absent friends, and all those who didnt have such a good 2008 lets hope 2009 will be better.

2008-11-26T01:33:00.000-08:00

10 years ago today

i passed my driveing test.

probubly one of the best things i have ever done.

and i have seen the future it is steam powered. ohh yes my new home is now steralised with high pressure steam. most fun i have ever had cleaning.

2008-11-24T01:48:00.000-08:00

So all go

I inspect my soon to be new pad. And im moderately horrified. Its not been cleaned in 6 months of more. Dust every ware. Well I can deal with that. Mould in the sink and microwave. Long dead things in the freezer in a nasty thord state threatening to reanimate. I was thinking along the lines of a flamethrower being the best corse of action. The CO. was rose tinted in her view an thought a few hours scrubbing and it would be our palace. So she set to work. Scrubbing the microwave…. 45 mins later and her sprit was broken too. Bless her little cotton socks. She worked very hard cleaning everything. Especially the swastika that someone had painted on the front door. There’s so much still to do, and my mood drops every time I rember being up to my elbows in mouldy washing up. I tried the oven. But that was insane. My next crack at that is tomorrow.

But the worst thing…. The worst thing was the bins

Myself and raz. Tried to sort the bins. Two 80 ltr dustbins. Upon looking in them the rubbish was not in bags and rotting. Best corse of action. Bin bag over the top. Tip bin up. All in bag tie up quick. With bin bag in place I tried to lift them bin. No I know im a pussy. But I could barely lift it. it was about that time we lifed off a top layer of refuse to discover the bin was 2 thirds full of water. In it was everything you don’t want to ever see. Used nappys. Rotting food. there was these things that looked like maggots but about an inch to an inch and a half in size . Blood red worms. Slugs, snails. The smell was indescribable. Razmus and I where almost adding vomit to the concoction in the bin with every whiff. At 1 point raz when over to some burning rubber of plastic or something to take the smell of the bins away. If you have ever smelt the piss swamp at reading …. That is a bed of roses compared to the horrors of the bin. We had to scoop out half and carry it down the stairs to a drain the pour out fluid, then carry back up the stairs. I asked raz that if he dropped in and I fell and broke my back and was covered in the “fluid” then to take my cash card go and buy an gun and shoot me in the head. And to not dordle. Luckily that didn’t happen. There was two of these bins and the second was the same.

Once it was finished I look at raz apologetically (as had not really signed up for that horror) and he turned and said
“im not a religious man….. but if hell smells anything like that then im going to church”

2008-11-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

What are the chances?

Well im sitting here mildly annoyed still at the car troubles I has yesterday and the jobless drug addict outside who is shouting into a mobile phone about smoking heroin off of tin foil is only exsasabateing my mood.

Id had a kickass evening watching less than jake, and skipping the line and getting the front two people autographs. And then managed to make the ticket that was sign survive the gig. Without becoming sodden with beer and bodily fluids. With is the custom at a ska-punk gig. Sadly I didn’t fair aswell as the ticket and I was cloying with beer, and other more unpleasant fluids.

When I awoke. The next day realising I had neglected to bring any clean attire, and that I should go home a do something about the stench that I was emitting to innocents. I got into my car, and tried to pull away. To my horror I discovered that my breaks had pretty much fallen off and where making some terrible notice as the car tried to move. And the where eather jamming on (kinda) to being jammed off (kinda). No way I was going to make a mile, let alone the 45ish miles back to some clean pants. My friend knew of a garage close by and they managed to fit me in. sadly it took all day to fix and my poor friend was nice enough to allow me to stay in her gaff and play video games. And pretend that I didn’t smell like a pub toilet carpet still sodden with piss. Car fixed and £120 poorer I got home and did my eblusions. Where upon my old dear phones.

“what a day I have had!”
“yes go on mother ive had a shit one too”
“thismororning. The braeks pretty much fell off my car”
“ohhh very funny”
“what”
“how did you find out?”
“well I got out the drive and there was this big crunch”
“no you senile old bat… my cars breaks broke”
“what?”
“look stop winding me up”
“no my brakes broke im phoning to tell you”
“look old crone, I think its time to put you in a home. You are getting confused again”
“shut up harry, im 56 and you mother stop talking to me like that”
“sorry but my brakes fell off today and your winding me up”
“what? Are you winding me up?”
“no im not I’ve been bloody stuck in Southampton all day with the pissing QE2 honking its horn all day I just wanted to go and scupper it. and the brakes cost me £120”
“well my breaks did that too”

sparing you the rest of the comparing details. But exactly the same thing had happened to mine and my mothers car on the same morning 30 miles apart at the same time.

Either someone is trying to kill us both in some crappy film noir way. Of its just very strange massive coincidence. And that im poorer and my rudeness to my mother means father Christmas wont be visiting me.

But I hope hes got her forwarding address for her care home

2008-11-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

Gift horse in the mouth.

The place I have lunch most days. Has a Chinese opera society or something and the fund a school in china. There annual thing was coming up and the asked me to buy some raffle tickets. Raffles I used to be quite lucky as when I was a child. I won some gigantic teddy bear from Texas (the diy store) and I always used to do well in the school and village raffles. One year I was on my 6th prize from the same raffle, and they band me from winning anymore. Not that I minded I already had more cake than I could eat. This raffle at the Chinese 1st prise was a flight to Hong Kong. And I was really hoping I didn’t win it. Coz I was just a flight. And was pretty much set up as a good prise for someone from Hong Kong so they could go back and visit etc. not that good for anyone else. Unless you had enough money to get another flight for a partner or cohort. And hotel etc… so the prise in the long run would actually bankrupt me or not get used.

My phone rings. And im informed I have won a prize. And that I should go to the restaurant the next day. And on the phone im told not to ask what my prize is ill find out tomorrow. Ohh crap….. Not the flight please not the flight. Give that to someone who can use it and that wouldn’t normal be able to afford to go back and see family. Just a bottle of wine or a free lunch or something would be good.

I arrive. And Mary (her “English name”) starts rooting bout and checks my ticket. Thank fuck I haven’t won the flight. She goes over to a box of wrapped things.. and starts looking threw. And pulls out envelopes….. Shit I may have got a flight….. na na more of a fuss would be made. Envelopes go back in. I get a by royal mail size, midem sized package. It’s squishy so basically it’s a textile. So it’s a scarf. But there is a cardboard bit to it. Maybe backing maybe something else. I don’t open it there. Because im sure I would pull some kind of ungrateful face. and being English I try not to do that so I get my lunch and say my thankyous.

Back at work. I open in. it’s a plain black long women’s scarf, with beaded tassels. And a gold plated broache. The attire is for a eastern woman in her 60’s. I couldn’t have possibly got anything less useful to me.

Well never look a gift house In the mouth….. Guess what my wife’s getting for Xmas, saves me the money on the ironing board cover I was going to get her.

2008-10-25T04:28:00.000-07:00

You know its going to be an odd weekend when it starts an you almost run over someone wearing world war 2 pilots goggles,who is walking in the middle of the busy ring road.

Then on the phone to the paintball organiser. (Quote totaly out of context here)

“Conroy I’m thinking of giving you one….. but not the balls”
joy

2008-10-06T03:02:00.000-07:00

Do they know something I don’t? (wow my 100th blog. still without proofreading or adiquate spelling and gramma)

Blurry eyed I check my email last Friday. 26 new emails. 26 what in the name of Greek buggery? Some bell end sending me junk mail again?. Loads up my in box…….. 20 odd emails about me needing viagra. Ohh joy. DELETED!

About 15 mins later a guy comes in and says package for you…. Is specifically named for me. Not the shop. don’t rember ordering anything ….. hummm..

I open it up. 50 leaflets on hypogonadism. Trust me buy the looks of it that’s not as cool as it sounds. For those of you not in the know. Its about low testosterone and erectile dysfunction. And lets face it erectile dysfunction is not as funny as the name sounds like it should be. It summons up connotations of having this rampaging dong that’s slightly any establishment and drags you around in the vain of quagmire from family guy. Where as in reality your just known by your bitchy disgruntled partner as “Mr. Floppy”. So feeling slightly paranoid and that my maninlyness was being challenged (and lets face it I don’t have that much manliness to challenge) I looked at the questionnaire….

1. do you have decreased libido?
2. do you have a lack of energy?
3. Do you have a decrease in strength and endurance?
4. Have you a lost height?
5. Have you noticed decreased “enjoyment of life”?
6. Are you sad and or grumpy?
7. Are your erections less strong?
8. have you noticed a resent deteration in your ability to play sports?
9. Are you falling asleep after dinner
10. has there been a resent deteration in your work performance?

Yes to questions 1 or 7. or atlest 3 of the other questions your screwed.

1. I dunno…. Everyone thinks im asexual and reproduces by budding or somthing
2. im a lazy git
3. I cant lift a tin of beans or climb stairs
4. im short
5. I hate everything
6. always
7. strong? What the fuck does that mean. I don’t go and hang weights off it or do cock push ups. Or go tie the end to my car and pull it up the drive. What the hell am I supposed to do get a Newton meter and take a weekly average and chart it over the years?
8. yeah im shit
9. yeah coz I feed myself so much I have to lie there like a anaconda digesting the tonne of pig I have just swallowed
10. fuck yes I do as little as possible and hate my customers

well I make that as a yes to pretty much all of them. Maybe is just my hypochondria or is it

now im shit scared if seeing the mrs. And Sunday come around. Hypochondria, performance anxiety tiredness and alcohol didn’t really stack the odds in my little chaps favour. But apparently he was fine. I couldn’t really tell coz I was beaten semi-unconchose and had an orange in my mouth and a plastic bag over my head.

Yeah you think about that whilst eating your cornflakes.

2008-09-20T06:05:00.001-07:00

Peter molenux 1 Conroy bumpas 0

Peter molinux should normal keep his mouth shut whilst his games are in development. He promises the earth and then when it proves not possible he has to offer grovelling apologies. (See black & white, and fable). Im quite looking forward to fable. My one gripe with the first one was you made your character look cool there choices and actions and stuff, but it wasn’t online so you couldn’t actually show anyone. So it was the video game equilvent of playing Barbie crossed with dungeons and dragons. Even though there was some pretty good story telling and I played it threw twice. Once being nicer that the archangel Gabriel and other being the most evil mother fucker who ever lived. The problem was . Being so evil I actually killed more people and did worse things that the supreme baddie in the game. And still the inhabitants of albeion expected me to save them. The baddies was sitting there engineering to be king or something and I was strolling around killing people selling their houses and then killing the new people in their house then selling it again. Chopping up peasants and police that had the misfortune to be programmed to run up to me. But at no point did the good folk say hand on this jack of blades bloke is nice that Conroy lets let him be king and get rid of this fucker who’s killing us. Or allow me to team up with jack of blades and do some evil tag team on the land the likes of witch has never been before. So generally being good or evil had no bearing on the plot. Just weather you killed npc or gave them food. Hopefully it will feel a bit like your actions change the plot a bit.

But how molenux has got one over on me.

Basically fable 2 relise is very soon and they have relised the pub games on xbox live. And you can play in advace and win money and items for you character that you going to play. I play good first as the plot makes more sense that way (see above). Then evil when I know the entire plot and want to crush the populous. In the gambling games there is a button witch makes you place the same as you’re last bet on one of the rue let/ craps games. And In the black jack type game it places the max bet for you. One time I booted to try and win some virtual dosh for a game that isn’t even out yet, I tried to plays the max bet and pressed the wrong button and the cards started to deal. I went ohh nadgers and pressed the max bet button to try to change it. and it did! But then I noted that I only parted with the min bet. So I checked this over a few goes. Basically you only spend 150 but it acts like you have bet 1500. so evan on the smallest win you win 1000, and all for a tint stake. So I got myself out of debt and won some items. Because in the games blurb, if you are in dept, the bailiffs come after you. (Now this is the bit I’m probably not supposed to talk about) a friend of mine (you can guess who) met up with one of the games makers. He spoke to he for a while the went “hahaha your games got a bug in that my mate found so you can win all this money” the game maker says “yes we know, its in on purpose, so if you find it and use it you character is a corrupt cheat. The game records it all and the other npcs act accordingly. that’s all im telling you”. I was incredibly shocked that the sheer cunning of the games developers for this. So im going to start the game and my bloke is going to have “big vinnie and his boys” baying for blood and wanting to cut my face.

Hats of to molenux

2008-09-03T03:28:00.001-07:00

Bad games

Now im not quite original old school when it comes to gaming. I didn’t have a Atari with pong on it. Mainly cos I wasn’t rich enough. I started in the 8 bit 80’s. When games had life’s and flashed and gittered and kids foamed at the mouth and they had to put warnings about seizures on the boxes. Now games don’t have lifes or trys so much any more. Check points and save point are the order of the day. (and shiny over the top blooming if you play anything made by bungie, ubi, or crytech). The plague of my life is attachment points on the xbox 360. Joy of joys there bringing them out on the ps3 aswell, another thing to ruin my life. No I don’t relly care how high my gamer score is. I just see that theres attachment points to be got and I see that as completing the game. If there points to get then the games not done. Some games are sensible and distribute the ponts with lvls of the game. Others are ridiculous to the point of ill health to the player. One game and I think its ghost recon has an attachment to play online against other players around the world for 8 hours with out stopping. Continues 8 hours of play. At that point gamings not fun it’s a job. For some one with asberges syndrome. (No I haven’t got that attachment. But I have played games for 8 hours without stopping before). In the 8 bit days it was all about up down left right A and B. getting you infinite lives or a level select. Infinite lves was good. Because it ment you just started the lvl again and didn’t have to do an hours of gaming again. And a lvl salect was pretty much a rudimentary way of saveing before machines had memory cards etc… with the birth of playstation and memory cards. Cheats pretty much went out of the window with me and I took a snobby view of people that used them. Whats the point of playing the game if your going to be invincible. Just walking the game. Or just skipping to the last level and that’s it then claming you have completed it. from time to time I still read an online gide to help get pash a puzzle of section of a game. (barring and J RPGS or GTA game coz theer desinded for you to have the guide on your lap as you play)

Then come along alone in the dark. (2008) where one of its big sell points on the back of the box is dvd stile scean skipping. So no one need get stuck at the game. Just scip to the next point. You litraly can skip to the very end of the game. The game is not so good. It seems relesded not finished. But still if a games biggest selling point is you don’t actulay have to play it. whats the point.
If you buy games, then use cheats to skip to the end of infinite health or use anything like action replay. I think your really wasteing you money. Would you buy a dvd, scean skip to the end and then say you had seen it. if any kind of games are hard and I need then to get parst points. Then I think you may benefit form another hobby.

2008-09-01T03:59:00.001-07:00

Survival of the piss swamp 1998 - 2008-09-01

After last years ball ache with the boats flooding and the line up witch can generously be described as a cavalcade of mediocrity. I wasn’t really looking forward to reading. The line up looked good. I had been convinced to go there a day early. So Wednesday to Monday living in squalor. I was expecting every thing to go wrong. On the way there I was a toss up between threw town or the super sneaky rout that my self and millwall travel by to avoid traffic. But it was night so it wasn’t nessery. But out of tradition we did it any way. But about 2 miles from white camp we encounter a fallen tree almost entirely blocking the road. A torrent of foul language and much steering wheel bashing was just about to commence when we realised we could just about squeeze past it. We arrived with no early tickets and I was expecting the worst. Then we could just buy them on the door (as it where). Withing 45 mins tent where put up and we had a little fire going and beer was being consumed. I was all good. It was about this time that my body realised it was in a field. Didn’t like it and made me ill. (that is the reading way). And I spent the weekend balancing the about of imudum in my system in proportion to proximity to “good” toilets. Well I say toilets. I mean poo troths. And to be honest there the best thay have ever been. And they have slowly got better every year over the 10 years I have been going. But but public health standards they are ungodly. I saw some awesome bands. Saw friends. Drank beer. And that’s what readings all about for me. Dishing out chilli vodka and watching people squirm is always funny. Its in interesting social experiment in peer pressure.

No I dint go see rage. Coz any band witch has a larger banner saying the “battle for Leeds / reading.” Is on par with slipknot calling its fans the maggot corps. I shake my head and tut.

Will I go again?

Well time will tell. But 10 years and a good reading might be the right time to retire.
As next year I will be around 10 years older than the average age of the festivalgoer. Maybe time to find another thing for us all to get together and do.

2008-08-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

Food digressing in to cinema

As I lost my lunch brake looking for gifts for my wife and brother, it only left me with enough time for 1 of the 2 “fast food” places in Farnborough. Burger king and subway. I go to sub way once a week. And its shit. They try to fuck you there every way they can. I have to put it to burger king and MacDonald’s. Their regular and super size or whatever there sizes are called prices are displayed. Where as subway are more insidious. They have questions they fire at you that don’t sound like it’s going to cost anything. The most evil is “do you want cheese on both sides?” what they are really asking is do you want extra cheese witch you will be charged for. There is so many ways that you could interpreted “on both sides”. So rediculse. They also offer. Double meat and a free drink. With no so much of a hint that it will cost more. They kinda just stand there asking you slightly odd questions and adding to your bill of a over prised roll. And no its not fucking healthy its all prossed meat. Its all ham salarmi and processed turkey. All with lots of fat and salt. So no its not healthy fast food. Its like MacDonald brought in those salads as a healthy option but if you had the dressing on them it made them more fat and callerys than a big mac. Lets face it all of the fast food places foods are about as palatable as the united colours of bennetons 90’s ad campaign.

Next I will attack cinemas.

Popcorn. What the fuck. I recon over 40% of that gets spilt. So they give that to you in a pale. I don’t like popcorn. The best popcorn is stuff you make yourself from scratch with a popcorn maker puffed with hot air. I got a kilo of corn from some health food place. It was less than a pound. And it made more popcorn than you could shake a stick at. And I know these place have heat light and Mongoloid staff to pay. But also they must get there corn cheaper. Less than a handful of unpoped corn makes what they put in those buckets and cost a few pence and they charge around a fiver. Drinks are the same as that syrup coke from fast food places . Pence per litre. Pick and mix im from the old school where 1 sweet used to be 1 p. now its buy weight. Measly amount of candy shrimps cost you a fiver. The rising ticket prises.

It not inflation its greed. Its not the credit crunch forcing up the cost of air inflated corn that’s going to get thrown all over an uncomftable chair with enough legroom for people under 4’8” its not just money its comfort.

Why go to the cinema when I can see it at home, why have a coke when I can have a beer, why sit with nosy little yobs when I can have my own sofa. Stop the film when I need a piss.

People are not pirating films purely for cost, it’s for convenience. I hate film piracy. I have only had one pirate film in my life. And it was of a Hong Kong film I was unlikely to see. In the end I did see it in the cinema. I had to go in the middle of the night to some cinema in woodly. And I got the dvd. So I think I made a mends there. If I get offered a watch of a downloaded film dodgy dvd I refuse.

The only place to see films is at the cinema, it such and experience. But im just starting to hate what its becoming.
100 years of cinema, ill always rember that day. Every film every ware in britton was £1. so I went a bit over the top and watched 4. it would have been 5 but I couldn’t be bothered to get up so early. Golden eye, creatcher from the black lagoon in 3d , city hall , 12 monkeys. What a day and what a quadruple bill.

2008-08-06T01:38:00.001-07:00

blood ticket machine

Got a bit cut off there, what I was saying about the parking machines. Is in Aldershot its 2 sterling’s and 80 of your new pence to park or the day.

So logically the fewest coins you can carry to pay for this is, a 2 pound coin a fifty, a twenty and a ten. The machine has no problem with 2 pound coins on 1 pound coins, fifty’s are fine too. It just doesn’t like any denomination less than a 50.

So you can stand there popping in 20 pence pieces till you have totally missed you day at work. Spin them, slam them, spit on them. Every old vending machine coin insertion trice has been used.

I don’t know why the counsel dost doesn’t say 3 quid and be done with it coz that’s what everyone’s paying.

2 theory’s on this.

if some one over pays do they still pay vat on the 20p extra. Lot of cars park in Aldershot every day. It all adds up. Is it money laundering, arms dealing, some secret agenises slush fund, or some bloke at rushmoore pocketing an extra few grand a year its only 30 cars over paying that’s 6 pounds a day over a year that’s over 2 grand. I think im on to some conspiracy here.

its total pikey around here and the counsel just wants to rip you off in the most pikeyest fair ground way even before you working day has started. To be fair I think this is the more likely. The counsel is in caravans here.

So back to the blood. bit strange I though and eeeeewwwww coz I don’t really like my blood being on the wrong side of my skin let alone other peoples and having to touch it

Maybe some one snapped, lost their will to live at the machine not taking their 20p and repeatedly beat their head into it screaming and pleading for it to dispense a ticket. There was no body there. Quite glad of that.

Or someone had tried everything possible to pay and get a ticket. Only thing left offering a blood sacrifice. Now I don’t really know how these work. But I assume there quite messy. Also probably best not viewed by the squeamish.

But it could explain the state the machine was in

Or then again it could just have been some emo’s

2008-08-04T02:28:00.001-07:00

A monumental act of willpower got me out of bed today. Mondays always hard to get out of bed. Especially when the wife’s there too. It’s like having a hot water bottle in bed. And the rest of the planet is frozen rusty infected nails. Nothing else that’s all there is. Witch pretty much subs up Aldershot. I park up and get to the ticket machine….. Witch is covered in blood.
Another day in Aldershot……. joy

got cut off. will contune this later probubly posted above

2008-07-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

2008-07-07T03:06:00.000-07:00

No I never knew you
We where both drunken fools
Enjoying annoying each other
In our little word conflicts both as stubborn as mules
What do you do, what do you say when some one is taken that way
Raise a glass to the ones that are gone in the shortest while

Carl Williams
27.03.83 - 04.07.08

2008-07-07T02:50:00.001-07:00

The true evilness of the kitten has been displayed

It did its userwall jump on me and try to put is bum hole on my face when I'm asleep like it does every morning. It was still dark, and about 4:30 so I swatted him away. Relentless her persevered in his evil trying to tea bag me ritual. So I got up and gave it some go cats, as he chopped away on those I hobbled back up to bed. Yes my foot is still ruined. In my error I closed the door. So 15 mins later he was smashing the door in as well as a cat can….. Not really but very nosily. So I let him in and jumped back into bed. He pounced on me. And I flicked him with my foot. I musty have caught him unawares and slightly harder than intended. He fell off the bed. “sorry cat…. But I need to sleep. Lay down and do the same”

Next thing I know there’s one of his attention grabbing “meeerrrrrrp” meaow things he does when he wants me to look at something or say hello, I’m not sure. I open my eyes and hes next to my bed next to my pint of water. He looks into my eyes. Rises a poor and places it on the rim of the glass. “oi” I shout far to loud for the hour. He looks at me harder and sort of smiles. Then slowly just tips the glass over fast enough for me to not be able to catch it, but slow enough so I can watch is spill. Whilst not breaking his evil stare from me. Then trots off and curls up purring and goes to sleep whilst I’m hobbling about trying to stop things from getting damaged.

Malicious little git

2008-07-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

The wedding weekend

Clashing social occasions and important events always happens to me… no I'm not talking about the European cup… or pissing tennis stuff I’m talking about doctor who

Yeah what’s the osterhargen key, isn’t it a paradox if he regenerates before meeting river song again…. Ohh the excitement…. Unfortunately doctor who lately looks like it going to be super exciting …. But then just doesn’t deliver. It just seems to always have a cheep cop out type resolution. Like last seasons rewind time tuned into the world network gives the doctor super powers. It dose seem to be the more fun is in the build up than the finish. A bit like how my mrs must feel…. Its all over a bit quick and all that left to do after is have dinner.

Would be really good if it is the end of tennent as the doctor as it would be a really big surprise, that some how in this world of spoilers and newspapers leecking who leaving and coming back that they have managed to keep it secret.

Well I had to watch doctor who on iplayer (bless the internet) as I was a chelles b’day meal. In the very good Mexican in Salisbury. In fear of one of my geeky chums phoning me and spoiling doctor who. All of witch are going crazy scowering the inter net for clues as to whether tennent is leaving or not. I don’t want him too…. But it will make the show more exciting if he does…. I like it when no one is safe anyone can be killed off at any moment.

Then it was millwalls big day. Bless him he was a bit shitting him self when we got there. I wouldn’t describe millwall as the fonz but normally hes got things under control. And it was a little unnerving that he was a tad panicky but it was the biggest day of his life so bless him. All I could do was give him a man hug and wish him well.

What can I say?

Best wedding I have ever been to. Millwall and mrs millwall planning was perfect. All went off with out a hitch. Speeches where funny and clever. Booze flowed. Fun all round. And just to complete the day I injured myself. Sal leg I did on the stag doo. I sit here foot swollen unable to put a shoe on as I type this. I couldn’t resist climbing on the giant jenga. It was fine and reasonably impressive until is started to be wobbled…. Then I went to jump off a child ran in the way. In my effort to not kill the child…. Killing kids at weddings is probably frowned upon. So to avoid this I slipped sideways and landed badly on my foot. Witch is now filled with blood or something. Quite a cool looking burse. And if I stand on it the pain is amazing but I feel the burse squish…. Awesome.

No better way to honour a mate’s matrimony that smashing my leg up twice

2008-06-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

The stag

Well went off without a hitch. Trust everyone had a good time. Millwall should get married more often so we can have a proper piss up like that again. I’m not suggesting he get divorced, more have an anniversary stag doo. I think that would catch on with blokes.

Well he didn’t get pranked to bad. We had nothing planned. He just got a quick dip in a skanky fountain.
Then desided It was my turn. No chance, I legged it threw moving traffic, the down the stare of the tube. Jumped the first lot. Jumped the second. I was well away from the people chaseing. Then the 3rd. the 3rd lot where slightly longer. And ceiling lower. Smashed my head into the roof above the bottom stares. And then landed badly coy my leg swang out. Twisted my knee and ankle. Witch generally put an end to another wise pretty good bit of free running in my mind. To the sober view its was some lumbering drunk falling down the stairs and only just managing to escape serious injury. Or hurting the rock and roll crazy busker at the bottom.

I moand to unsympathetic mates, about my injuries. And all was fine. Hurt but I was drunk enough to not feel the extent of it.

3 am im woken by a sharp and execrating pain. The lovely cat is sinking his teeth into the Achilles tendon of my damaged leg. I hop out of bed to get away from him and promptly realise that with out my lovely beer ansetic my leg is nadgered and promptly fall over. How did the pissing cat know that that was probably the most painful place to bight that point and me on that day. I tell you hes evil. Maybe hes getting me back for treading on him. (NOT ON PURPOSE) he has a habit of running in front of me under my feet.

pics are up on the web of teh do not me falling won the staires.... unless tetes cctv footage...

or pics og me treading on a cat..... you sick pervert wanting to see pics of that.... cat snuff pics .... shame on you

2008-05-30T04:12:00.001-07:00

CATS

In June last year we inherited a cat. In my June blog you can read how that worked out for me. Click on June in the left margin, I think the blog is called Cardiff and cats or something. I recall it being the same weekend I drove to see Richard herring.

Anyhoo four weeks ago I acquired a cat. Meaning that my new gaff now has two cats in it. I hate all animals indiscriminately anyway, so the fact that I have to feed and look after and keep alive something I dislike is a very odd emotional state for me. Keep the thing alive and happy so the mrs doesn’t chop off my nuts in my sleep and post them to marcush.

Thing is if this was an old cat, they just sleep a lot and id feed it and we would begrudgingly glare at each other occasionally like two grumpy old men and that would be tolerable. But the crazy thing is only 11 months old. And the thing is needy like a dog. If follows me around and doesn’t like going out. At 4.20 am on the dot it jumps on me every day. Waking me up. Only the scenario of telling my mrs that the cat must have committed suicide buy tieing itself in that mail bag with some brick and jumping in the canal stops me from doing it. I don’t this my suicide story is that convincing. I have learnt a lot from the cat. It fears the squeeze bottle of water. I just have to reach for it and the cat runs off. Im still not sure of the effect on catnip on it. I can’t tell if hes just being mental or it’s the catnip making him mental. But he love jumping and trying to shred my toes with is teeth and claws. This isn’t to handy when im doing important task like sleeping or getting beer from the fridge. One thing though. I have found a way that the cat and me can have fun together. With a laser. No im not cutting holes in him. He love chasing the dot produced my a laser pointer. I can make him run in rings about the place till he gets dizzy and puffed out and falls over and looks like hes going to die. I did panic when he did this the fist time. “im sorry dear he ran away” probably wasn’t going to cut it and “umm I gave your cat a massive heart attack with a laser” the truth didn’t seem that good eather. Lucky he recovered and I dint need to get some mains wires and resuscitate his little feline heart.

But this is what I see every 4:20 am as I open my eyes , the there is the loud growling purr, then the claws and teeth come. I took this photo as I woke up with him standing on my chest. And he is that close to my face

2008-05-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

Junk email.

Ive always got a large sum of junk email, at one stage I used to get around 60 Spam mails a day, now with Spam filters its only about 10. With the various promises of free hot Asian babes doing the unimaginable, herbal vigra, and some crazy free loan I thought id seen pretty much everything before. But then

COLON CLEANSE: FLUCH UP TO 20LBS FREE TRIAL

Dear lord!!! Internet discount sudo-medical procedures, next they will be offering Internet discount circumcisions. And 20 lbs that’s nearly a stone and a half (I think). You have got to be holding it in a bit if you have over a stone of hobo currency lodged in you. I know I have some pretty bad morning after 10 pints and a curry sit down appointments in my life that have used half a roll and needed multiple flushes. But I don’t think any of them sans loo paper where any ware approaching a stone in mass. They where probably approaching a ton in velocity tho.

My good friend millwall stag do is tomorrow, and the honourable Mr Rhodes and myself with the help of Dr. T Chizz and chellie-bean. Its does promise to be a large one. So im sure it will give me something to write about….. If I can rember any of it
God bless the HMS millwall and all who sail in him.

2008-05-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

i know i said id try to do less of these, but heres another strange customer

“Hello can you fit these glasses please”
“Yes no problem ma'am , if you’d just like to pop them on”
“Why?”
“So I can see how they fit and what adjustments I need to make”
“They are not my glasses”
“Right….umm?”
“They are my friends”
“Is she coming to the shop?”
“No she’s on a cruse”
“Right…… well it’s a bit tricky to fit them without the person the are meant for here”
“ohh …. Really?”
“Well yeah. Because I don’t know what the person looks like so I don’t know what adjustments to make”
“Ohh I dint know……. I should have brought a photo”

Im fucking sorry ma’am I cant make these glasses fit an 8 by 10

2008-04-19T03:28:00.001-07:00

Carrier bags and bad food

You may have notices all this carrier bags are evening. There killing babies and rabbits and kitten, stuff that every ware. Yeah yeah fine ok they destroying the world just for the privilege of being able to carry my food home….. but I reuse the fucking things. I use them for carrying other shit around. And then bin bags. Coz eather fucking way id be using a plastic bag. So in sainsbry they’re giving away free fridge magnets to “try” to remind you to take a bag there and use that, rather than the evil carryerbags. That have already been made. Used the oil, and electricity and stuff to make them. Or is it just an advert for sainsbry every time you look at your fridge. But when the till tart said have you bought a bag today and I said…. Umm… nope…. Everyone looked at me like I was a cunt. The one person on the planet pissing in the swimming pool. Nay shitting in it spoiling it for everyone else. Just coz I used a bag to carry my stuff in. lets fucking face it its sainsbrys. 75% of the people who shop there own cars designed to cross arctic tundra, and do 3 miles to the gallon. So they will be saving the planet with there bags woven in sweat shops the contravine human rights laws.

At the end of the day Mother Nature will deside when we go the way of the dodo. Life will survive in one for or another the great cycle of evolution and extinction will continue. Just probably with different ways to carry shopping. And a way to breathe co2

Anyhow. Been scooping out places to have dinner and Chinese’s one take away has what I presume is a misprint in the menu. Makes even the most heartless of carnivorous humans pause before ordering

Duckling dishes

2008-04-07T03:45:00.000-07:00

the weekend in pictures

it was the esfr paintball. one of the only reasons i ever get out of bed before 8am. the only other reson i can think of is a middle of the night piss. and as of yet i have found no other good reason to get up at such ungodly hours. and then im sure if i wasnt such a prude id use a bottle.

alas the paintball was not to be. in fleet there was almost 2 inches of snow. my poor car wheel spun out of the drive. and the M3 was bad, i thought on 2 junctions of m3 surly the 25 will be gritted. it may have been . it was just hard to tell under all the snow and blizard going on. trafic crept at 20mph between crashes. and with a heavy heart i desisded to turn back. we drove almost half way there before i desided time wise we wherent going to get there untill around 11, and that we may not get there without injery. it was a peril scale of 9. when we got home safly to sum up what we did was go on an hour and a half snow drive on the m25, yeah it was exciteing.... but not the kind of excitment i wanted.... ohh well there always the next one

the guys who did make it said it was a crazy day. the people we where playing refused to play because we where too intimadateing. a few guys do have to much of there own gear. so they spent teh day mucking about having a few games. they still had a laugh.

ohh well

2008-03-14T03:39:00.001-07:00

Karma’s a funny old thing

I don’t really believe in karma per say. But I do believe that if your nice to people and do good things, the more likely people are to help you out when you’re in a fix. Say you do something good for someone and make there day the change is they do something good for someone else and the chain will go on, and on and infinite time line it will come back to you. If you are just a cunt then no ones gonna help you when you need to change a tire or put in a good character reference at you sexual harassment tribuneral.

That’s sort of what karma is so ill just call it that.

I was feeling like I was coming down with an evil cough cold man flu, thanks to my housemate who must have been gobbing in my coco pops. I went to a big supermarket to buy some soup and some bedding im not telling you wich one just incase the send there hit squad for me, but hint the sign is green they are called Wal-Mart in America, there adverts have people slapping there arse, and bill baily isn’t going to be there bitch. I got the bedding shelf and there’s some pretty reasonably priced stuff there. Well its very chip compared to everyware else. I know its made in a sweat shop in the middle of some boiling country by children not even old enough to have grown milk teeth yet, but hay everyone’s got to have a job. And let face it ive been with the mrs a wile now. “Honeymoon periods over love” I don’t need to impress her. Just convince her to do my washing. So I pick up a fitted sheet and quilt cover that comes with 2 pillowcases. I go in to the cloths bit and get myself a shirt for work, and some chicken soup as I m feeling a bit peeky. I get to the tills and the ques are extremely long. But people in Farnborough are scared of fire and technology so the self-service tills are pretty much empty. I jump on one of those.

PLESE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM
I wave the tin of soup around enthusiastically and the till doesn’t beep. I wave it about the place as if doing a rain dance. Still nothing. This bar code scanning shit is a really hard job. More respect for till tarts now. Evenuly it works.

PLEASE SCAN YOUR NEXT ITEM OR PAY

The sheet, doesn’t scan at first then says unidentified item error error. Please put item on scales

PLESE PUT ITEM ON SCALES

The screen has rang up the sheet, but it want to sell it to my but weight. I do as it says. It charges me 15 pence, 97% discount. I like that

I scan the covers the ring up at some random price too, my shirt come up at the correct price.

I pay quickly and leave with my total shopping bill under half price. The till made a legal contract on price with me there not a damn thing they can do…… I hope.

MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I get back to work and the phone rings but I have to hang up on them, as there is a customer in the shop…. I call back 20 mins later. Hi this is the west end centre. We had a spare ticket for that Richard herring gig you wanted to see. You hung up on us so we may have sold it to someone else…. The guy goes of and comes back. Yep we still have one. I pretty much bight his had off via the phone. Cheep shopping and a gig ticket. CHA-MUTHERFOOOKING-CHING!!!

Got to go to the gig on my own tho… but im a big boy I can wipe my own bum now too. As long as there’s those candoo frog wipe things.

Two good things happen out of the blue….. Two bad things must happen too

At home whilst examining my goods. I notice my shirt is short sleeved and not long like I wanted…. Bugger. And im to scared to look at the sheets just incase there are a single or something and not a king as labelled up…. knowing my luck there probably second hand….

I go of to the gig thing well that wasn’t too bad cheep shopping not quite what I wanted, but cheep shopping non the less

The gig was good fun; even tho it was sold out I had an empty seat next to me. So I could have taken someone. Richard herring gives away free programs for the show, and just asks that you throw some dosh into a bucket for scope. He’s raised £20000, and programs at other shows ive been to have been between 5 and 15 sterlings so I think its only fair to give whatever ive got. I was in row c and there were half a dozen steps to the door. It was quite dark in there. And I needed to make sure I had parking change for the next day at work. I pretty much always have shit loads of coins. Sometimes as much as £20 I probably dint have that much tho. I tipped out coins into my hand with the intention of popping a few quid back in the wallet and putting around a fiver into the bucket. But then o tripped. Throwing coins everywhere. In the dark in a crowed of people. My guess it was about a tenner but ill never know. All I manage to puck up was £2.20 exactly what I needed for parking. And threw that in the bucket. I hope that they puck up the coins and put them in the bucket but the cleaner will probably have a pretty good tip. So I lost all the money I had saved threw the faulty till, got the wrong shirt, man flu and bedding im no too scared to open.

I got home thinking that will be a pretty good blog, hope I don’t waffle on to long so people get bored

I popped on a dvd and went to the fridge to see what beer we had left over from the party. All that was left was Carlsberg C2 witch some cheeky basterd had brought along and stuck in the communal beer. Who the fuck buys reduced alcohol beer. I thought ohh well. Probably do me good not consuming as much alcohol. I pick up and can and sit down. I go to open it but my Alcoholic spider sense is tingling. Its ok its just coz it low alcohol beer. I reach for the ring pull again, can’t do it, something wrong. Get a grip man I know its only 2% but is free. I know you have had stronger shandys but get your laughing gear around it. Na my alcoholic spider sense has properly gone off. I examine the can. Its over a fucking year passed its sell by date. What kind of cunt brings gone off low alcohol beer to a party.

No I didn’t fucking drink it anyway

2008-03-10T07:42:00.001-07:00

Sign of the devil

Well the move has gone ok. The room is pimped with all my toys. The party was thrown…. Im sure the pics will be on the net soon

The user well restaurant I frequent for lunch was close they have gone on Holladay for 2 weeks…. Damn it!!

I was feeling a bit rough. And I don’t like eating nice things when I feel ill. My stupid logic is, if I eat something nice then chunder my guts up. It puts me off of what ive eaten. So I eat something I wouldn’t mind being put off of. I.e. MacDonald’s

With mild amusement I found this printed on the bad I purchased my cow dick in.

A Spanish woman teacher person with a black board saying (I presume) “im loving it” and the sign of the devil

I can only presume its the MacDonald’s Scholl of Satan worship.

Some people have had their suspicions of it for a long time

2008-03-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

Well the big cuckoo is about to leave the nest.

Bye bye Andover. Hello fleet

Only took me 27 years to move out.

What the hell am I going to do for food and washing and ironing now….

Ill just have to take it home for my mum ever week. Keep her with something to do…. Im a nice son like that.

she got a nice ironing bord cover for mothers day and me coming home hungover wanting sympath and food. im the best son ever

2008-02-21T01:29:00.001-08:00

Vans in traffic

The other day driving home I saw an inspired pun. On the back of a van there was “goodfellers” tree surgeons. It tickled me in the way a silly pun should. I rely wonder if the guy who owns the company eather when he was young went and watched goodfellers and went if I ever start a tree business that’s what its gonna be called. Or he was sparshot doing his tree chopping down exams got pissed and thought of it.

On the way to work today… oh im 27 today by the way. (all I can say about that it when I was young I can remember thinking wow in 2006 ill be 25 and in 2007 ill be 26 and in 2008 ill be 27…. Yeah see I was quick on the uptake) yeah anyway….. I saw a van with big gold letters saying “stump grinding” that’s sound particularly unwholesome. It was for a tree surgeons. I can imagine the two blokes doing the tree chopping down exams one all light-hearted and thinking of clever puns and the other sitting their twisting hamsters heads thinking about amputee porn. Its sound like the kind of thing McCartney would have said to his ex….

“Heather im feeling a bit frisky tonight.”
“Are you ok… fire away”
“no no …. Put away your down stares mixer”
“oh no you want to visit dirt canyon” (possibly it’s the other way round mills looks the type that offers back first)
“No love”
“Surly you don’t want that again”
“Take off your leg bitch I wants me some stump grinding”

It’s possibly what led to the divorce…. Maybe she was into the stump grinding that way she walked in front of the police car/bike/bus

I can only speculate

See being 3 yours from 30 hasn’t made me any more mature or my spelling any better

2008-02-20T01:33:00.001-08:00

Cars

Well it’s a well know fact the mechanics just don’t listen to me, I ask for something to be done and they do something totally different. So I was not completely shocked when I put my car in for some stuff to get fixed they didn’t bother doing it. I wont bore you with the details. What I was most annoyed about was if failed its mot, not on the work that they hadn’t done, but a less than an inch crack in the windscreen. It was behind the mirror. And it had been the for 3 years. So it had passed its mot with it there before. So I had to get a new windscreen. The original day they had my car was a waste of time and now I was going to have to leve it there again icuring more money and time with me sat at home dreaming of all the amazing things I could have been doing if only I had my car. So cutting a long and crap story shot it all got fixed…. Well that’s a lie, as much as I possibly hoped for got fixed…. The engine still has a life of its own and randomly guts out or jumps to 1000000rpm for no reason. So I cough up my cash. And looking threw my nice new windscreen as im driving in the pissing fog I see a doddering old hag swerve half of the road onto the gravel and flick a big stone up that has now chipped my new windscreen
If I wasn’t late for work she would have needed new denchers curtsey of my 9 iron

2008-02-15T09:08:00.000-08:00

Cold are evil

The make me be in pain and lazy

like the phone rings and im like gahhhh that means picking it up , and ill have to struggle though my snotty nose to talk properly...... but the ringing not helping my head ache..... witch is the lesser of two evils

to pick up or not to pick up that is the lazy snott driven question

2008-02-01T08:44:00.001-08:00

Today’s story of mild amusement is not from me. Its happened to my brother

He was out bowling with a friend, and doing ok, but loosing to his mate. On the 3rd game the wagered lunch on the game. So my brother with the kind of determination only brought on by free pizza started to bowl. The first two frames he spared, however his mate got strikes. In the next lane 2 men arrive. One is wearing a bowing shirt and has a bowling wrist support (don’t know there proper name) own ball, shoes the works. The other man is giving him tips. My brother like me performs best with an audience (not what your thinking you sicko). He gets his game on. Strike! Strike! Looks over at the “pro” he’s got really low scores. 5’s and 6’s. My brother goes again Strike! Strike! He’s got a bagger going on, and he knows free lunch is in the bag, the “pro” is still on a low score. My bro get another 2 strikes. That’s 2 spaires then 6 strikes in a row. The pro gets out some kind of scope and is looking at the pins, then bowls. Gets 3. My bro is just about the lean over all cocky and load moth (yeah it runs in the family) and say “oi mate you want to be taking a leaf out of my book”. But it his go again so doesn’t. He chokes and doesn’t get another strike. But it ok. He’s put a pro to shame and got free lunch. Cash back! Him and his mate are having a drink after when they see the pro walking along accompanied by his “coach” the pro has a long white stick. My bro had been inches away for mocking a blind guy for trying to bowl
Classic

2008-01-23T02:30:00.001-08:00

Well its taken 23 days for something interesting to happen to me. My blog was getting a bit me moaning at customers, so I thought I should cut back on thins an maintain my high lvl of quality in my posts cough cough hahahahahahhahahhahahahahh

Se I was going to write about some crazy man that came in my shop wanting his glasses fixed, but not actually having the lenses with him. He wanted me to put the lenses back in, but the lenses where at his house, the frame was with him. For some reason he didn’t seem to see a problem with this. When I pointed out that when I fix things I usury like the thing im trying to fix and all its parts at least in the same room as me. He became upset. Not because of my sarcasm, but because he thought they where unfixable. I repeatedly had to explain that they where fixable just a screw had come loose (possibly from the old man as well) and that if he came in with the frame and the lenses I could put them all back together. After 15 mins he still couldn’t grasp this simple premise that I couldn’t magic up his lenses from his house. And he left upset that I was unwilling to help him. Well I said I wasn’t going to say all that, but I typed it and you just read it… so I guess I did.

The most amusing things in my blog are the misfortunate things that happen to me. And nothing of any amusing misfortune has happened to me (but all your misfortune amuses us I hear you cry).

Well I was driving to work today on the A303 when my car stats making this whistling noise. I check my window, then the passenger window. The doors are closed. Humm …..Maybe the boots going to fly open! Now that where my train of thought stopped, when relly it should have carried on and thought of a plan. Because it was DEFNATLY GOING TO HAPPEN 3 SECONDS AFTER I THOUGH THIS. Im over taking a car and think he was probably more scared than me. A little dirty red 106 goes past him and the boot flies open revealing golf clubs, squash racquets badminton parafnalia, and the most of his worries my laundry. As im hitting the hazards and looking for a place to stop. He’s crapping himself swerving all over the shop. coz of the passell shelf I don’t know if or what things are flying out. I don’t what to slam on the anchors as I could loose my grundies all over the road and have to retrieve them. (im not talking about soiling my self threw fear im talking about loosing my laundry bag). My ghetto modded spoiler car evenly pulls up. And I go and sort it out. as far as I can tell ive lost nothing. With is quite impressive and the boot was full. Witch may have caused the problem in the first place.

Here to a new year and always being calm in a crisis

2007-12-20T03:21:00.001-08:00

Standing in the queue at the super market this morning. And exchange between the cashier and a customer

“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“YES”

It was like a two Ronnie’s sketch

After I had asked the second time if it was me and not the cashier I would had wrongly assumed the answer to be no, and stopped asking. Only threw determination did she find the truth I would have missed. Eather way I presume the rest of the conversation was going to be difficult hearing aid or not

There is no i in team ......... unless im spelling it

Idiot raciest came in...........

Two word film reviews.Machete: too silly.The hangover: passable comedy.

two word film reviews.

Skyline: B-movie tosh.

Due date: unfunny disapontment.

Kiss kiss bang bang: undervalued gem.

dirty rotten scoundrels: comady class

mondays 2 word film reviews.

Alien: cinematic masterpiece.

Aliens : logical continuation.

Alien 3: underated gem.

alien resurrection: turgid joss whedon space pirate pile of shit

Two word film reviews.
Machete: too silly.
The hangover: passable comedy.